Fallen Leaves
by CoriWhoWritesStuff
Summary: Remus and Severus' relationship started with secret meetings in school. How deep could this attraction go? And how long will it last? That's why you read it and find out. :P This is SLASH, SSRL. Naturally.
1. Chapter 1

Notes: I've always wanted to do a story like this. Hence, here it is. :P I wouldn't give it points for originality, myself, considering how many times these characters have been written about. But it's fun. The only thing I ask is that you don't give me dumb comments about how you hate SSRL. -- I rated it PG-13 for the small amount of sensuality, and Severus' language. But please, enjoy. :D Told from Remus' POV.  
  
-------  
  
Fallen Leaves  
  
--  
  
"Today?"  
  
"Yes."  
  
Those two simple words, spoken barely above a whisper while passing in the hallway after Potions, were enough to make me forget where my next class was. Even after asking James, who told me with a look of extreme puzzlement, it seemed I had forgotten again halfway there. Luckily I could just drift along after everyone else by then.  
  
But I couldn't focus on that class. I couldn't eat lunch. I couldn't tell my mates that they really ought not to charm Lily Evans' hat so that it jumped around trying to eat other people's heads. The only thing it seemed I _could_ do was wait for the supper hour, while pretending not to notice the confused and worried looks everyone passed my way.  
  
After an eternity, it arrived. I told everyone I had been feeling ill, and was going to lie down for a bit. From the way I had been acting recently, I was sure everyone bought this excuse. I did in fact head up to Gryffindor Tower to hurriedly throw on a warmer sweater, as well as a few other items to help keep the autumn wind at bay. Then I rushed through halls heading for the oak front door, my heart hammering in my chest.  
  
No one ever came out here during meals. That was one of the best reasons to meet here, with very little chance of being discovered. My feet crunched on the thick layer of autumn leaves, red and orange and gold, that carpeted the landscape as far as I could see. Must be some sort of enchantment, that; there weren't many trees in the immediate area, and it looked as though those there were hadn't dropped any of their leaves anyway. All of this was insignificant, however, as I walked as fast as I could toward the solitary tree closest to the lake, out of sight of the Great Hall windows.  
  
He was already there, as I had expected, seeing as how he didn't have any mates as persistant as mine to hold him back. Sitting directly in front of the tree, Slytherin scarf wrapped snugly around his neck, chin resting against his knee, one long, black-clad arm draped around his leg, eyes solemn as he gazed out at the lake water ruffling with the crisp breeze...  
  
I realized I had stopped and was staring, so I forced myself to shuffle forward and drop down to sit beside him, not too close. There was no doubt he had noticed my arrival, but he didn't look up.  
  
"Hi," I said, wishing my voice didn't squeak so _horribly_ whenever I started a conversation with him.  
  
"Hello," he replied, glancing over at me, then down at his feet.  
  
We seemed to be at an impasse.  
  
"Ah... nice... nice weather we're having, isn't it?" I said next, this time wishing I could just kick myself.  
  
"If I knew you asked me out here to talk about the weather, Lupin, I would never have agreed to it," he snorted, looking at me again. Looking at me in contempt, yes, but at least he was looking. Realizing how silly this was, I grinned at him, unable to help myself.  
  
"Sorry. I just thought that was the way all conversations started."  
  
"Gryffindor conversations, maybe..." he muttered, rolling his eyes.  
  
I laughed again. "Well, alright. So what do you think about that Potions assignment? A foot of parchment really seems a bit mu--"  
  
"And I don't want to talk about classes either."  
  
"Er... I... then what DO you want to talk about?"  
  
"Who said we have to talk about anything? Are we here to observe some sort of protocol? I find peoples' obsessive love of prattle to be most enfuriating," he said in a rather annoyed sort of tone. I thought about that for a moment.  
  
"Well... I guess that's true..." Suddenly he began to move, and I couldn't say any more as he stretched his thin frame out on the ground, long slim legs crossing at the ankles, hands moving up behind his head, black eyes fixed on the leaves waving above us...  
  
Staring again. I needed to stop that.  
  
I lay down as well, ignoring the annoying prickle of dried leaves through my sweater. There was about a foot of space between us now, surely we hadn't been this close before... I closed my eyes and focused on listening to the wind through the tree branches before my mind slipped into other thoughts.  
  
Severus and I had only met like this a few times before. The first time had been brief, as well as a little surreal. We hadn't exactly _agreed_ to meet, that first time... I had always noticed the way his eyes, the expression in which was always carefully guarded, lingered on me more than any other person. If I didn't know better, I would have thought he seemed intrigued. We had only been partnered together several times in classes, and each time he was careful, very careful -- but he didn't know I could detect his scent, confused and yet attracted. Part of being a werewolf, I expect, not that I had really thought about it before. And I could feel his eyes on me, only to see him in the process of turning away every time I looked up.  
  
It was the feel of his eyes on me that caused me to look up on that day we'd first met in secret, as well as the expression that they held as he very deliberately continued to gaze at me, then away toward the door. And I had followed him after he'd gone. I'm not sure why, although to tell the truth... he intrigued me too. Very much. The aloof mysteriousness he maintained around everyone. His unfathomable black eyes. His very difference from anyone else I'd ever known. Of course I was also curious as to what it was about myself that he seemed attracted to.  
  
And so those first visits had gone by with very little conversation, but also not much discomfort. In fact, it seemed he enjoyed the companionable silence we usually shared just as much as I did. Today however, I had things to say, and I was determined to say them, no matter how inexplicably nervous he made me.  
  
Glancing sideways, I took a deep breath. His profile, easily distinguishable, caught at my attention, and then I blurted out what surely was going to be the biggest mistake of my life.  
  
"Your nose really is big, you know..."  
  
Of all the things I had ever wanted to say to Severus Snape, that had _definitely_ not been on the list.  
  
What I hadn't expected as I turned fully in his direction, eyeballs bulging in horror, was for him to laugh. But he did. "Yes. I suppose next you'll remind me what an ugly git I am, as your... friends are so fond of doing."  
  
It was proving to be difficult to get past the fact that he'd just laughed at something I had said, even if it was something amazingly stupid. Groping for some sort of response, I risked another look at him. Now he was scowling ferociously.  
  
_Think, stupid!  
_  
I was fully aware that Severus wasn't handsome. It would also be a stretch to call him good-looking. But I had never exactly agreed with my friends' assessment of him as "ugly". "Attractive," I said slowly. "That's what you are."  
  
He made an odd sound halfway between a grunt and a snarl. "And how did you come to that conclusion?"  
  
"Severus, I'm aware that the look on your face right now creates an invisible barrier keeping the area in a ten foot radius of you clear of first-years. Most other people for that matter. But can I ask you not to use it on me, even though it isn't going to work? In fact, I'll just insist you stop if you want to know the answer."  
  
Surely that wasn't _my_ voice speaking those words. No.  
  
His head turned rapidly in my direction. "Well?"  
  
I stared at him. He wasn't scowling anymore. And somehow he was now only inches away. If he had been moving closer to me, I hadn't noticed it. I felt my face growing hot as his intense eyes bored into mine. "You... you're different. There's something... mysterious about you. I've never met anyone like you, ever. It's c... compelling." We were still looking at each other. Surely we had never done so for this long.  
  
"And all that makes me... attractive?" he said in a low voice. I nodded slightly, noticing that he had removed his hands from behind his head, and one now rested dangerously close to mine.  
  
"Yes... I... I just... feel as though I want to get to know you." So saying, I did something else that could possibly turn out to be a major mistake: I reached out and covered his hand with my own. His eyes darted immediately downward, but I continued to watch his expression.  
  
It seemed that he was extremely determined to surprise me as many times as he could today.  
  
"M... mittens," he whispered shakily. "Remus, you're wearing _mittens_." Puzzled, I watched his face split into a huge grin, but before I could respond he had rolled over with his back to me, shoulders shaking with silent laughter.  
  
My only option at this point seemed to be to gape stupidly. Then it slowly dawned on me that to see him laughing this hard was surely a rare privilege, and I joined in. "Well, yeah... you know. My mum knitted them for me, and it's like I've got to wear them..." I hurriedly discarded the fuzzy red offenders, however, while Severus appeared to recover, returning to his back and wiping at his eyes with his sweater sleeve.  
  
"S... sorry," he said. "Just... seems ridiculous." He placed his hand back where it had been before, but twitched it toward me as though he wanted my own back on top. So I complied, enjoying the feel of his cold, smooth skin -- infinitely more exciting than warm fuzzy wool.  
  
"You called me Remus, you know."  
  
"That's your name, isn't it?" he replied lazily. His eyes were half closed, and his head was tilted toward me. I swallowed hard.  
  
"Yes, but... you've never used it before."  
  
"Mmm," seemed to be his only response to that. "So how long have you found yourself attracted to males?"  
  
"I..." I stared at him. Was he _ever_ going to stop surprising me? "I haven't exactly noticed... but I do know I like you. And what about yourself?"  
  
"Whoever said I was attracted to you?"  
  
"You haven't exactly snatched your hand away like you can't stand it. And it seems you keep moving closer to me when I'm not looking. So you... must like me, wouldn't you say?"  
  
"Me? Like a mitten-wearing Gryffindor? Hm."  
  
I burst out laughing at this. "Alright, now you're _teasing_ me. I've never seen you act this way around anyone else. Face it, you like me."  
  
"Maybe," he said, trying his best to sound noncommittal about it. Smiling, I squeezed his thin fingers in my own.  
  
"Now that's out of the way... it's only fair you answer your own question to me. What... ah... attracts you to me?"  
  
He sighed, feigning a scowl until he noticed me watching. "Would you believe it's for the same reasons you gave?" he finally said, his expression now carefully giving nothing away. "That you're different... and also... no one ever... that is to say..."  
  
Now he appeared flustered, and I shifted slightly so that I could bring my other hand over and encircle his hand with both of my own. He stared at me, and it was as though I could see a little way into those closely shuttered eyes at last. "Go on, Sev," I prompted gently, then wondered if I should have dared to be so familiar with him.  
  
But his eyes only widened a little before he plowed on, "No one has ever looked at me and seen past the surface before. But you... you do that. Even though... if you were to look deep enough... you certainly wouldn't like what you found... "He started to pull away, but I was so desperate not to lose him at this point, for him to stay in this state where he had finally let his guard down, that I did yet another stupid thing.  
  
I kissed him.  
  
It was brief, simply the brush of my lips against his and then I pulled back, feeling satisfied yet terrified. He looked at me with the oddest expression I had ever seen on his face before, and it took me awhile to realize that he was shocked. It was just that Severus was _never_ surprised by anything.  
  
"Why... why did you..." he began hoarsely, until I cut him off.  
  
"I just didn't want you to move. Trust me, Severus, I don't care what dark secrets you're hiding. I have the feeling I'd still like you. I'm sorry... I'm sorry you didn't like it." This time I was the one to pull back, and he stopped me by putting his hand on my shoulder. There was a gleam in his eye as he leaned in close to me, and I began to feel frightened again.  
  
"And who said I didn't like it?" he whispered fiercely before silencing my fears with a kiss, a firm, no-nonsense sort of kiss. When he finally broke it, it was all I could do not to gape at him again.  
  
"Severus..." I said weakly. "Sev, you're really unpredictable, you know that?"  
  
The corners of his mouth curled upward slightly. "Indeed."  
  
Almost before I knew it, we were kissing again, now with our bodies pressed close, the hard planes of his legs, his hips, his chest against mine. Briefly I wondered if we should really be doing this right now, but it was hard to focus on that thought while Severus' hand pressed into the small of my back, his thin lips now brushing at my ear, my jaw, my neck, and god it felt so _good_, how could I question it?  
  
At last we separated and lay a short distance apart, both panting slightly, him looking at me with another one of those unreadable expressions. But I could smell his desire. And I was glad we weren't touching anymore, as I definitely knew I wasn't ready for him to feel the way my body was betraying my own need right now. He licked his lips and I seemed mesmerized by even that small gesture.  
  
"Don't want to go... and do something we'd regret later." He sounded almost apologetic. I smiled.  
  
"I understand."  
  
It felt like a struggle to sit upright finally, but we managed it. "Need to leave soon, they'll be out shortly," he muttered. It seemed like he was agitated now, his eyes darting back and forth around the area as though he expected an attack from any side. I laughed softly.  
  
"Severus, there are so many leaves in your hair."  
  
"What?" he snapped. "Oh." It was really quite amusing to watch as he frantically tried to brush them off, mostly to no avail.  
  
"No, here, let me help," I offered, doing my best to keep from laughing, but failing.  
  
"Damn you," he replied, watching me through narrowed eyes.  
  
"Yes, yes, I know," I said soothingly. I began to methodically pluck them out, Severus muttering something about "bloody Gryffindor leaves", a comment I only guessed had to do with their color. His hair really _was_ a bit greasy, I supposed, but I found it wasn't that bothersome. Maybe there wasn't much of anything he could do about it.  
  
After this we took turns brushing leaves off each others' backs, and finally stood facing each other, this time distinctly uncomfortable. "I... Thank you, Severus."  
  
"For?"  
  
"Just everything, I suppose. And next time..." I moved a little closer, and looked up at him. "You know you can tell me... anything you want. If there's anything..." I trailed off as he shook his head.  
  
"No. I _can't_ tell you anything. And what about you? Tell me why you disappear every month."  
  
I almost took a step backward, but managed to stop myself. "I... no, I can't. I'm sorry..."  
  
"Well then, we're even." His voice was very low now, and he was moving toward me, his eyes fastened on my mouth.  
  
"Severus..." I murmured shakily... but then I heard it. Leaves crunching. Voices calling my name. It was James, Sirius, and Peter, and I knew they were heading this way.  
  
I wanted to scream. I wanted to hide the both of us. There was nowhere to hide. My friends, much as I loved them, were going to ruin this. And Severus would more than likely never talk to me again.  
  
In the space of time that all this went through my head, Severus had been cursing rather explicitly; he was well-known to have an extensive vocabulary of swearwords that had in the past made even me, the unflappable Remus Lupin, blush. Right now, however, I felt like repeating a choice few of his words. He had also fortunately had the sense to back a decent distance away from me. Even though I didn't stick up for him in front of my friends, he seemed to understand that I simply couldn't let them know about this. Not that he wanted them to know either, he hated them. It was such a confusing situation we were in.  
  
Which was all beside the point at that time, because they had finally seen us.  
  
We all stood there staring at each other open-mouthed, except for Severus, who looked livid. Sirius was the first to recover. Unfortunately.  
  
"There you are, Remus! Been searching all over. And what's _that_ doing here?" His last sentence had taken on a nasty tone, and he stretched out his arm to point at Severus. At this point Severus was looking like a trapped animal, his breathing rapid, his hands shoved in his pockets where his wand was surely hidden, his eyes rolling in all directions like they had before, but this time more frantically, in search of escape. The pain I experienced seeing him that way was so strong it was almost physical.  
  
James watched all this with amused interest, staying back as though he had given the pleasure of tormenting the enemy totally over to Sirius this time. Peter, of course, looked eager at the prospect of possible bloodshed. Because at the moment my horrified mind could imagine nothing less than that being the result of this situation.  
  
"N... nothing... it's just a... coincidence..." I stuttered at last, but Sirius didn't seem to hear this. More likely he chose to disregard it for the moment. He had quickly taken a large step forward, startling Severus so much that he didn't have time to pull his wand out before Sirius had seized both his arms, holding tightly despite the way Severus struggled and hissed hexes that had no hope of taking effect. There wasn't a chance of Severus freeing himself; Sirius was not only taller, but also far more muscular than the angular Slytherin.  
  
"I don't know," Sirius said loudly. "What are you doing here with Remus? Because if you're annoying him or threatening him, _Snivellus_, I swear to god..."  
  
"Fuck you," Severus snarled. "Black, get your fucking hands _off me_."  
  
"Watch your mouth, slime," Sirius said coolly. With a sudden movement, Sirius shoved him away hard, sending him sprawling awkwardly to the ground, where he lay quite still, seemingly dazed. Sirius then made a great show of wiping his hands off on his own pants, which earned appreciative laughs from James and Peter. "Why don't you just go bother some of your _own_ friends then -- no wait, that'd be impossible seeing as how you haven't got any. No one can stand you more than two seconds," he sneered triumphantly.  
  
Meanwhile Severus was untangling himself painfully from the ground, hand reaching toward his pocket again. "I think you had really better shut up," he said in a low and dangerous voice, "you great fucking co--"  
  
"I TOLD YOU TO WATCH YOUR MOUTH WHEN YOU'RE TALKING TO ME!" Sirius roared, whipping out his wand now, just as Severus managed to retrieve his own. In effect, seeing this thawed me from being frozen in terror, as I had been until now.  
  
"NO!" I yelled, rushing forward to throw myself between the two of them. They both stopped short, staring, wands raised and pointed at me. "No," I repeated more quietly. I turned to face Sirius. "Just let him go. It's just a coincidence. I went up to the tower, but then later I thought I could do with a bit of fresh air, so I came out here. I only arrived a few minutes ago, and he was out here by himself already. I didn't see him until shortly before you came. He didn't do anything to me, Sirius, I swear it. Just let him go."  
  
"Sticking up for him? You sure he didn't do anything? This IS Snape we're talking about here," Sirius said heatedly.  
  
"Why would I lie? I _told_ you he didn't do anything. That's enough." I could hear footsteps in the leaves behind me, and I knew Severus was circling around us. Sirius' eyes were following his progress over my shoulder, but he didn't attack. Neither did Severus. I finally turned to look as he continued circling around the group of us, wand held ready, silent yet looking from one person to another as if daring them to give him a reason to use it. But I already knew he wouldn't. Then his eyes landed on me.  
  
Those eyes that had only minutes ago looked at me with such confusion and longing, now shuttered again as tightly as though everything that had passed between us was nonexistent, and Severus Snape was all alone again.  
  
I believe I actually staggered backward at his coldness, but no one noticed this as they were all watching Severus while he finally turned his back and began stalking toward the castle, shoulders hunched, fists clenched at his sides. Suddenly James yawned hugely and sat down on the leaf-strewn ground.  
  
"Ought to watch him 'til he's out of sight, Wormtail."  
  
"Why do -I- have to watch him?" Peter complained. I wasn't paying attention to them.  
  
"Hey, these are yours right?" This was Sirius, gesturing at my mittens beside the tree. "You feeling better then, Moony?" he continued, now cheerful as he flopped down next to James and dumped a large amount of leaves on top of his head. I mumbled some sort of reply and went to fetch the mittens, ignoring their laughter behind me.  
  
Picking them up, I turned them over and started to remove bits of leaf slowly the way I had from Severus' hair, not even really seeing them. All I could see were his eyes.  
  
Would I ever get to see any deeper inside?  
  
------  
  
Sorry for the depressing bit at the end. I'm not a real strong believer in happy endings, not anymore. Ah well. This COULD be continued, depending on whether many people like it, and how much I feel like it. 


	2. Chapter 2

Notes: Wow! Second chapter is up so quickly. :P It's shorter, that's true, but I like it better. And the writing came along much easier. I got to thinking about it, and I guess they're in their 4th or 5th year in school. I mean, since Snape doesn't know about Lupin's condition yet. I've been re-thinking where I'm going with this, with the conclusion that I'll be writing about their relationship all the way past the end of Harry's fifth year. Should be fun. Anyway, thanks to everyone who's reviewed, and I hope you like this part too. :)  
  
------  
  
Chapter 2  
  
--  
  
"Sure you're alright, Moony? Oy. OY! MOOOOONY!"  
  
Sirius was howling very impressively indeed, but I wasn't really in the mood for playing around. Not that time.  
  
"I dunno, he still looks awfully sick and pale. Don't suppose he caught something else from Snape, do you..." James chimed in, bending down to feel my forehead. I just grinned weakly, batting his arm away.  
  
"Oh, I doubt it... I don't think Snape's condition is catching, lucky for old Moony here," Sirius replied, folding his arms and nodding sagely. Not liking where this was going, I started slowly getting to my feet.  
  
"And Snape's condition is...?" James prompted, as I had known he would.  
  
"That of being the world's biggest arsehole," Sirius snickered. Peter laughed so hard he fell over. But I continued walking slightly away from them until James spoke again.  
  
"Hey... Remus? All joking aside, here... you're really okay?" He was concerned. They were all concerned. They were my friends. I knew that, and yet...  
  
"Yeah, I'm okay. Just a little under the weather, I suppose. Look, I... I've really got a lot of homework to do, and... I better do it while I'm able. No distractions," I added with a smile, seeing Sirius about to protest. "See you guys in the common room tonight though?" They all agreed readily to that at least, and with another smile and wave, I turned to go, leaving them to their leaf war games, which at any other time I would have found highly amusing.  
  
It was true that I had a lot of homework to do. And I would do it, after I'd found and talked to Severus, if at all possible. I had to at least tell him I was sorry before he never wanted anything else to do with me.  
  
------  
  
Finding him wasn't hard. Every time I had gone to the library on previous evenings, he was _always_ there, sitting at a table in the farthest corner, large piles of books surrounding him, glaring at everyone who came within range so that no one else ever sat near him. Not that anyone would dare anyway, not with his reputation. Almost everyone knew this -- and if some unlucky soul by some chance didn't, they learned very quickly. I don't believe that he was quite so openly hostile to the other members of his own House, but it wasn't like they were a friendly lot as it was...  
  
I clutched my books a little tighter to my chest as I made my way between tables, heading for his corner. Thankfully, the library was fairly empty at the moment. And he _was_ there, just as I'd imagined: books in nearly tottering towers all around him, Severus himself hunched over his parchment, the sound of his quill scratching loudly in the near-silence. He looked utterly absorbed and completely normal. For Severus, at least. But he didn't look up when I came near. And he always did when someone invaded what he considered to be his rather large amount of personal space. Which could mean one of several things...  
  
Reaching the table at last, I waited in front of him until I couldn't stand it anymore. "Severus...?"  
  
No response.  
  
"Um... Severus."  
  
He paused to dip his quill into the inkwell, then resumed his scribbling. I sighed. So it wasn't that he truly hadn't noticed me. He was just ignoring me. I took a deep breath, then boldly dumped my books a couple spaces down the table, that being the nearest spot that wasn't covered with Severus' things. I then sat down and began doing my homework, while he continued to pretend I didn't exist.  
  
This went on for the next two hours.  
  
Finally finished, I stretched and yawned carelessly, sneaking a glance over at Severus, who was now looking through what seemed like dozens of sheets of parchment, ruffling from one to another with a very pensive expression, which caused tiny lines to appear between his eyebrows, and his lips to purse slightly in the most...  
  
I realized that my staring habit really had to stop, and I cleared my throat maybe a bit too loudly. His head snapped up instantly.  
  
"What the hell do you want, Lupin?"  
  
Taken very much aback, all I did was stare. "It's not enough that you have to let your... friends ridicule me, is it? You also feel the need to come in here and distract me from an entire evening's worth of my studies. It's a game to you, maybe?"  
  
I looked from his fists clenched on top of the stack of parchment to his face, paler than normal with his anger. I was still in shock, but I managed to gesture weakly at his papers. "But you... you wrote all that! How was I distracting you?"  
  
With a growl, he shoved the pile toward me, and I picked it up, staring incredulously at what I saw. Each page was about halfway full of normal writing, but it was blotted horribly, many of the words written shakily and crossed out, and at the bottom of every page were scrawled a number of swearwords in very large letters. I looked back up at him, my mouth open. By that time he was practically seething with anger.  
  
"No. It's not a game to me, Severus," I said quietly, handing his parchment back. He looked at it as though he would like nothing better than to rip it to pieces, then slammed it down on the table.  
  
"What I don't get is _why_. Why do I let you get to me so much. Why do I _let_ you. Even after what happened earlier, why do I let you? Mooning after a bloody Gryffindor... I... it's so much easier to block everything else out... but not you... _Why_?" By the end it almost seemed like he was talking to himself, and he dropped his head into his hands, rubbing at his temples as if trying to force out the answers. I had certainly never heard him volunteer so much of what was on his mind before. As far as I knew that was also the longest speech I'd ever heard him utter.  
  
Very carefully, I stood up and moved in front of him again, clearing the area of books before sitting down to face him. "Listen, Severus..." I said, leaning in closer to his bent form. "I don't know why. I... don't exactly claim that I know why I can't stop thinking of you either, besides the reasons I gave you. All I really wanted to say for now... is I'm sorry about what happened. Because I am. If I could have prevented more of it from happening, you know I would have..." I trailed off as he looked up, his eyes piercing.  
  
"Why?"  
  
"You don't... you don't deserve to be treated that way. No one does." He continued eyeing me closely, which made me rather uncomfortable.  
  
"But it doesn't matter," he said disdainfully. "Black and Potter hate me, and I loathe their goddamned bloody... guts. And that's not going to change anytime soon."  
  
"They _are_ my friends, Severus..." I reminded him gently.  
  
"Doesn't mean I have to have _them_ on my mind constantly as well," he sniffed.  
  
"Well... fair enough. Just don't go too far with your descriptions of hatred for them," I replied, smiling weakly.  
  
"Fine." His tone was rather gruff, yet all he did next was begin to levitate the books around him one by one back to their places on the library shelves. I sat silently, watching the way he flicked his wand almost lazily, making it seem so easy. I already knew he was a brilliant student, of course, but there was so much more I wanted to know about him. Things no one else knew...  
  
Finally he was finished and all it seemed there was left to do was stare at each other's hands across the table. After a time I said, very quietly, "So you forgive me?"  
  
"There is nothing to forgive you for," was his equally quiet reply. I reached out a hand toward his, but he pulled away before I could take it. "Please don't touch me," he mumbled, standing up and gathering his remaining things. "I have enough to think about without you touching me." And he turned to head for the doors, disappearing through them without looking back.  
  
------  
  
The next few weeks passed in a bit of a blur. Another full moon went by without major incident. Between classes and studying and homework and _trying_ to get my mates to pay as much attention to these things as I was, my time was fairly full. I figured it was for the best to leave Severus to think about whatever he needed to. Truth to tell, I needed to think as well.  
  
But he was always there in the corner of my eye, so to speak, and sometimes he would nod to me in class or let his eyes linger on me just a little too long. Fortunately he kept out of the way of James and Sirius, and so I was very grateful not to have to choose sides in any sort of fight. There were several pranks I didn't hear about beforehand and also didn't see the effects of, however. Then again, there were also a number of other nasty tricks played on James and Sirius, but Severus had become quite adept at pulling off whatever he had planned without being caught.  
  
So life was continuing just like normal, except that it seemed I noticed him much more now. Like when he was sitting alone in the Great Hall at mealtimes, or striding down the hallways and managing to get people to part in front of him without saying a word, or crossing the grounds, his face pale above his scarf wrapped tightly around his neck, thin strands of black hair blowing about in the breeze...  
  
Well, it would be more accurate to say that I _stared_ at those times. The main point is, each time I saw him this strange feeling hit my stomach, kind of a tickling sensation. Which gradually changed to feeling like I had a small animal gnawing on my insides. It was when these strange feelings moved to other parts of my anatomy that I started to get much more anxious about it.  
  
One evening I had left my friends to their own devices (which unfortunately resulted in discovering later that _all _the toilets on the third floor were flooded because, mysteriously, they were all stuffed full of students' scarves). A few books on dangerous magical creatures were all I needed from the library for an essay I had to complete, and I didn't even realize that Severus was probably in the library as well. Until I saw his eyes peering at me from the other side of the shelf I was perusing.  
  
Quite startled, I jumped. He arched one eyebrow questioningly. "Bit twitchy, aren't you?" he smirked.  
  
"Severus! I just didn't... expect you to talk to me." It was impossible to keep from grinning in relief.  
  
"Damn it, Lupin, I didn't expect _you_ to talk to _me_."  
  
"Ah..." was all I could say, unable to stop smiling at all. It just felt so good to hear his voice and have his attention all to myself... While I was busy being stupidly giddy, Severus rolled his eyes and headed around the shelf toward me. Seconds later he pushed me slightly aside with his shoulder and started looking at the books I had been searching through earlier.  
  
"Hm... "Magical Creatures of the Night". Not something I'd expect you to be interested in..." He had his shoulder pressed against me still, and that was what distracted me for awhile. A long thin finger rested along the book's spine, and as he moved it to the next one to read it's title, I realized I really didn't want him looking at it.  
  
"Oh come on, Sev, it's just for an essay. Er... can we talk?" As I spoke, I turned to put one hand on his arm, and the other against his back to gently push him down the aisle. This surprised him enough that he forgot all about the book. Which had happened to be titled "The Case Against Werewolves".  
  
"If you insist," he grunted, allowing me to continue to propel him along. Too late I realized I was _touching_ him, and various parts of my body began to spring into the actions I had so despaired of before. It made me wonder if I was just desperate. Surely not... I really liked him, but exactly how much...  
  
There wasn't time to think anymore, as we had reached a desolate corner of the library, and I finally had to let go of him. He turned around and leaned against the shelf, arms folded, clearly waiting for me to begin. Now I actually had to come up with something.  
  
"I like you," I blurted.  
  
"Is that all? I came to that conclusion weeks ago."  
  
"I... yeah... it's that obvious, huh?"  
  
"Fairly."  
  
"Right..." I sighed heavily. "Severus, can you be really honest with me right now? I just want a straight answer. Do you.. even like me back?"  
  
"Mmm." He was watching me through narrowed eyes, eyes that would flick down to my mouth every now and then. It really wasn't helping.  
  
"W... well?"  
  
"I don't know."  
  
"Severus... just don't do this. Please. Tell me, or else..."  
  
"Or else...?" he repeated. Then licked his lips suggestively. My frustrated mind really couldn't take much more.  
  
"_Fine_. You really are... just... ahhh." My mind had just about shut down completely. So I pushed him against the shelf with my body and kissed him.  
  
Several minutes later we came up for air and I tried my best to fix him with what I hoped was a stern look. "_Well_?"  
  
He looked amused. Not the effect I had intended. It took him awhile to reply, but it wasn't with an answer. "You're aware of how hard this will be to pull off."  
  
I blinked. "Yes."  
  
"You're aware this is going to be the biggest secret this school has ever contained."  
  
"Well, I... wouldn't go so far as to say _that_, but yes... it's got to be a secret if we both want to keep our lives."  
  
"I'm not afraid of Black and Potter," he snorted. "But being with you while they don't know... it's like I've got a secret advantage."  
  
"Oh, come on. You don't have to bring your rivalry into it, do you? Is that what this is all about? Advantage?"  
  
"Not totally."  
  
"Severus..."  
  
"Fine! Don't... Remus, don't do that."  
  
"Er.. do what?"  
  
"That motion with your leg. Do stop. This is the library."  
  
Surely I was now a brilliant shade of red. "Um... sorry..."  
  
"So this relationship is official then?"  
  
"I..."  
  
"An official secret, that is."  
  
"Do you.. want it to be?"  
  
"Maybe."  
  
"Severus.. you really are frustrating."  
  
"Thank you."  
  
And he kissed me again, reaching his hands up behind my head while I pulled him away from the shelf slightly to run my hands down his back. Our bodies were pressed together a little too dangerously. And I could feel... everything. But I remembered what he had been doing to me all this time now, and I pulled away.  
  
"Ah, Sev... better stop this.. it's the library, you know."  
  
He growled at me. I blinked. "Oh, very well. I suppose it's only fair." Walking past me, he stopped just before he turned around a shelf. "My answer was yes, you know. I like you." And then he was gone, leaving me with another one of those incredibly stupid smiles on my face.  
  
After that time was when things really started getting interesting.  
  
------  
  
Yay.. think I should put more than snogging in the story? Just curious. :P Hope you enjoyed. 


	3. Chapter 3

Notes: Thank you to all my wonderful reviewers. I am quite grateful. bows This chapter contains the requisite visit to Hogsmeade, and chocolate. I also upped the rating on this story to R. Eventually I will be adding several more disturbing elements besides the obvious sexual ones. Hope no one finds that too offensive. :P With that said... I enjoyed writing this part. Maybe a little too much.  
  
--  
  
**Fallen Leaves: Chapter 3  
**  
------  
  
If someone had come up to me and asked straight out what I thought of Severus Snape, I probably would have just laughed. And then later sat down alone somewhere and thought of all the reasons I liked him, probably while blushing. It seemed a little hard to believe, but I was seriously taken with him. My thoughts were generally devoted to him whenever there wasn't anything else that required my immediate attention.  
  
Two weeks after we had officially started "seeing" each other, we had only met a few times in deserted classrooms or the library, talking little, exchanging several rather (disappointingly) chaste kisses. There just wasn't much opportunity for us to spend a bit more time with each other. It was a Tuesday night in mid-November when I finally decided to do something about that.  
  
Under cover of needing to finish a huge Astronomy assignment, I had retreated from my friends for the evening to sit at Severus' table in the library. At the moment it was perfectly safe to sit directly across from him, as the hour was getting late and most students had already vacated the library for a bit of relaxation in their respective common rooms. I watched Severus working at his Astronomy paper, my own having been abandoned for the moment. The only real trouble with being around him while he had homework to do was that he almost always preferred to do that above anything else. Even though I was more serious than my other mates, I was nowhere near as serious as Severus.  
  
"Hogsmeade weekend coming up," I said wistfully, twirling my quill between my fingers. "Wish we could go together. You could use a bit of fun, I think."  
  
Severus rolled his eyes to show exactly what he thought of Hogsmeade weekends and having fun in general, then resumed his work. My eyes followed his slim fingers moving with his writing, watching as he lifted his other hand up to tuck loose strands of hair behind one ear.

"Have you ever even _been_ there? Would you like to?"  
  
"No," he replied curtly, dipping his quill in the inkwell before continuing to scribble out star positions.  
  
I lifted an eyebrow. "Why don't you want to go?"  
  
He finally slowly moved his head up to meet my eyes. The wisps of hair he had pushed back fell forward to their original position. I helpfully reached out to replace them. "Because," he began, watching my hand with narrowed eyes, "Potter and Black are bastards who will undoubtedly catch the two of us together and make both of our lives a living hell. Or mine more so than it already is, at least. Is that what you want?"  
  
"Well, no..." I said, now sliding my hand along the side of his face, tracing his cheekbone and down his jaw. "You could really use some sunshine..."  
  
"You're aware you're annoying me, aren't you."  
  
"Most likely," I replied with a smile, taking my hand away. "Listen... you know, they have a very predictable pattern. They spend a good half of the afternoon in Zonko's, then move to Honeyduke's for maybe ten minutes, and spend the rest of the time in The Three Broomsticks, telling jokes and messing around with whatever they bought from Zonko's."  
  
"Sounds terribly boring," Severus sighed. "How do you manage to put up with it?"  
  
"It's not that bad, Sev. Fun even. Something I know you could use, don't bother to deny it. You're cooped up in here with your books every day of the week, even weekends. It would do you some good, trust me."  
  
"Thank you for your professional medical opinion," he replied sarcastically. "I will keep it in mind to go outside next time we have Herbology."  
  
I shook my head at him, rather exasperated. "My whole point _was_, that as long as I tell them I've got something else to do, we would be free to go anywhere else we wanted to in Hogsmeade, as long as we're... careful."  
  
"And why should I do this?" he demanded, starting to look a bit angry. I reached out to take his hand across the table; it was cold, as always. I carefully began to massage some warmth into his fingers, watching his eyes relax slightly as I did so.  
  
"I want to spend time with you, Severus. Time where you're not fretting over your schoolwork. Besides, I think you may just be stressed. You're starting to look a bit stiff."  
  
"I always look stiff," he muttered.  
  
"Not now," I said coyly. "You should see yourself now that I've got you with your mind on other things. Quite an improvement."  
  
"Lupin, you're becoming insufferable."  
  
"Say you'll go with me to Hogsmeade." I smiled, leaning in closer to him and running a single finger along the back of his hand. His eyes clouded over briefly and he shivered.  
  
"If... if it will get you to stop moving your foot up my leg so that I can get this work done, then yes. It's due tomorrow."  
  
"It's a date then," I said happily, drawing back from him completely. He merely snarled in response, seizing his quill again and attacking his parchment with a vengeance.  
  
------  
  
It really was hard telling how I managed to make it through the rest of the week without exploding from anticipation. I wasn't truly worried about us being caught somehow by my mates. The prospect of being somewhere besides school with Severus was far too exciting, therefore any worries I might have had completely disappeared in the face of it.  
  
I think that James and Sirius noticed my unusual overexcitement, because they teased me often about "being giddy" and "acting like an air-headed, love-struck Hufflepuff girl". And I would blush. And they would tease even more. But the truth was so much stranger than anything they could have come up with, that I didn't mind. I knew at that point that I wasn't ready to give up my attraction to Severus for anything.  
  
Saturday afternoon finally arrived, cold and clear, but with a promise of snow hanging heavy in the air. A perfect day. Standing in line and waiting for Filch to check our names against his list (again), I looked back to see Severus standing near the end, looking sour. I hoped it was just because the group of chattering girls in front of him seemed incapable of shutting up for two consecutive seconds, and not because he really was in a terrible mood. He looked out of place, and I was sure he felt it too. I sighed inwardly, wishing with all my being that I could just go over and stand beside him, maybe hold his hand. Sometimes life really wasn't fair.  
  
My little group made it outside finally, and it was when we were in our carriage and on the way that I finally began to get nervous. Because it was time to tell them I couldn't be with them today.  
  
"Hey.. um..." I began awkwardly, noticing that I had their immediate attention. "Today, I... I've really got a lot of things to look for, and I... don't know if I can hang 'round with you that much..."  
  
"Ah, Moony!" Sirius cried, wrapping an arm around my shoulders and squeezing a little too tight. "This is what you've been so happy for all week, eh? Got to meet your secret girlfriend at last? Or maaaybe..." he said slowly, "your secret lover?" He wiggled his eyebrows suggestively, and I managed a laugh, despite the fact that the word "lover" had caused me to blush deeply.  
  
"Not exactly..."  
  
"Oh, leave him be, Padfoot," Jame interrupted. "More than likely he's just got to buy his Christmas presents. For us. Better be good ones too."  
  
"Heh... well, you dragged that much out of me. Going to let me be then?" Quite stupid of me to forget that I _did_ need to buy presents eventually, and it would have been a good cover.  
  
"All right, all right," Sirius sighed, letting me loose. "If we see you, we'll run like mad the other way." I just grinned. Exactly what I had wanted. Although I wasn't planning on being spotted anyway.  
  
------  
  
We had carefully planned everything out beforehand. I waved goodbye to my friends as they entered the door to Zonko's as usual, and hurried off in the direction of the post office, a familiar surge of excitement making my insides writhe again. He was waiting as we had planned behind the building, leaning against the wall with his hands stuffed in his pockets, looking very austere in his usual black, expression sullen. Neither of us was wearing a House scarf, in the hope of not attracting as much attention if any other students saw us in passing.  
  
"Severus!" I almost felt shy as I approached him to slip my arms around his waist. "Alright?"  
  
"Mm." He was intently watching the sky somewhere above my head.  
  
"Er.. did the trip here go well?"  
  
"If you consider that I was stuffed into a carriage with those banshees, then no."  
  
I smiled. He looked uncomfortable. "Sev... listen, you'll get used to this. We're going to have _fun_. Just see if we don't."  
  
"If you say so."  
  
"I do. Now, what do you want to do first?"  
  
"I don't know," he said, looking at me at last. His eyes were very closed off again, and he took his hands out to flex his fingers cautiously.  
  
"Hm..." I grabbed a hand in my own and cringed. "_Ice_. Here, you can put these on." Rummaging around in my coat pockets, I pulled out my red mittens and held them out to him rather sheepishly.  
  
"If that's meant to be a joke, it's not funny."  
  
"Just put them on. They're not going to hurt you."  
  
"They might. Besides, I don't have the appearance required to be insufferably adorable in them."  
  
"Severus..." I said, a slow smile creeping over my face, "are you implying that I'm insufferably adorable?"  
  
I believe the noise he made was something like a hiss. But his face was coloring in a way I had never seen before.  
  
"You're wearing them," I said firmly. He opened his mouth to protest further, but I was already jamming them onto his hands. "Don't want you to catch cold." I smiled apologetically.  
  
"Wouldn't it be more appropriate to be wearing a scarf then?" he asked through clenched teeth.  
  
"We don't have scarves with us. Don't be such a child. You look rather distinguished in them."  
  
"Drop dead."  
  
"I don't think so." I smiled at him while he glared.  
  
"_Fine_. I understand now that you're getting back at me for laughing at your bizarre handwear. Can we just _go_ somewhere?"  
  
"Thought you'd never ask," I grinned, leading the way out to the street. He followed me at a respectable distance, and I looked back once to see him clenching his mittened fists so that they weren't as noticeable, and glancing around him warily. I led him toward Honeyduke's, stopping when I reached the door so that he could join me.  
  
"This?" he asked dubiously.  
  
"Yes! I desperately need to pick up some chocolate."  
  
"And I need to go in _why_?"  
  
"Because you're with me." He merely grunted in annoyance, but followed me anyway. I let him wander around on his own, trying to hide another smile behind my hand as he looked at everything in the shop as though it was offending him personally. He was momentarily entranced by the "Unusual Tastes" section, however; when I joined him he was closely scrutinizing a cockroach cluster.  
  
"Wonder what it tastes like, really..." I heard him murmur.  
  
"Want one?" I asked brightly. He looked around at me.  
  
"Ugh. No."  
  
"Well, you wanted to know what it tastes like..."  
  
"Shut up." A small smile appeared on his face, quickly repressed. I shook my head at him, amused.  
  
"Well, did you want to buy something else?" He gave me a look that clearly said "are you mad?", and I had to laugh. I myself bought several chocolate bars, one of which I planned to press on Severus later. Force-feed it to him, if necessary. An image of him licking chocolate off my fingertips flashed momentarily across my mind, and I almost dropped the bag as we exited the shop.  
  
"Remus, keep your mind on walking," Severus sniffed as I pulled ahead. My face burned. Surely he didn't know what I had been thinking...  
  
Next we headed to Scrivenshaft's, which Severus found much more tolerable. He examined everything very critically, and decided on buying a beautiful raven feather quill, which I thought suited his long fingers well. Thinking about what else his long fingers would be well-suited for made me actually drop the bag this time. Fortunately he didn't notice, being busy elsewhere.  
  
I hurriedly started looking around again and found a display of what claimed to be "Unbreakable Quills", and decided to buy one for James, who was forever snapping his own quills, it seemed. Severus looked at it curiously when we went up to pay for our things.  
  
"What's that?"  
  
"Oh... Christmas present," I said, shrugging my shoulders a little.  
  
"Ah." He looked away and pretended to be riveted in studying his raven feather. I frowned, realizing that he probably didn't have much experience in buying things for other people.  
  
"Want to sit down and have something to drink?" I asked him as we headed down the shop steps and into the bright sunshine.  
  
"Certainly." He looked up the street suddenly and paused, as though thinking of something. "You know... I've heard things about that old run-down place up there. The place where that strange howling is heard. You know what I'm talking about?"  
  
I knew. But I pretended to be uninterested, just noting his expression instead. "That's the only reason I ever really wanted to come here, before now. Thought it might be worth a look." He turned his attention back to me, and I hoped my face didn't show any of the fear I felt.  
  
"I... don't really think... that's a good..."  
  
"Scared?" he sneered at me, then almost immediately looked ashamed for a brief moment. "Er... sorry. We don't have to."  
  
"It's alright," I said with great relief. "I'm just really thirsty now. Hm... we definitely can't go into The Three Broomsticks. There's Madame Puddifoot's right there. I don't think too many students go in there."  
  
Severus looked over at Madame Puddifoot's. Then he looked at me. Murderously.  
  
"Er... right then... ah... The Hog's Head it is, then... Bit of a dodgy place, though."  
  
"Sounds wonderful," was all Severus said to that. I had the feeling he would rather like it. And I was right, he was definitely intrigued by the pub's dim mustiness, and appeared to relax considerably once inside. Students came in here even less often than they went to Madame Puddifoot's, so we were quite safe. Except for the smell. A few patrons were scattered about the room, but no one really took notice of us as we entered. Severus strode up to the bar as though on important business.  
  
"Firewhiskey, if you please." The thin wizard behind the bar turned around slowly to eye the both of us, Severus with his arms folded looking imperious, and me with my mouth open looking baffled.  
  
"You're students, aren't you... Don't believe you're allowed to drink, are you?" the barman asked suspiciously.  
  
"What does _that_ matter?" Severus replied haughtily. The barman looked almost willing to comply, but I came to my senses in time and jabbed Severus in the ribs with my elbow.  
  
"What he _means_ to say is, we'll take two butterbeers." Still looking at us suspiciously, the barman passed over a couple of extremely dusty bottles, and I quickly paid for both, grabbing them along with Severus' arm as I headed for the table farthest from the door. We sat, and he glared at me. I was becoming used to this.  
  
"I'm perfectly capable of drinking firewhiskey, you know."  
  
"Severus, we're not here to get _drunk_. Have you even had it before?"  
  
"Plenty of times. But I imagine it's a bit strong for a Gryffindor to handle."  
  
"Oh, leave off. I just didn't want to have to drag you out of here if you got drunk. What do you think _that_ would look like?"  
  
"I _don't_ get drunk," he sniffed, removing the top of his butterbeer and somehow managing to even drink angrily. I sipped my own, just watching him. He gradually relaxed after he had looked around the room a bit more, and I caught him staring at my mittens which he had discarded on the tabletop.  
  
"Severus...?" I ventured cautiously.  
  
"Hm?"  
  
"So was this afternoon a total waste of time?"  
  
"Not total. I needed a new quill anyway."  
  
"Is that all?" I prodded. Then he finally seemed to realize what I was getting at.  
  
"And... that is to say, I... enjoyed being with you, Remus." He said this as though forcing out some horrible admission of guilt, but I grinned delightedly.  
  
"It's good to know the feeling is mutual, then." After watching his downcast eyes a little longer, I took his hands across the table as I was growing accustomed to doing. If anyone else in the room noticed there were two boys holding hands in the back, they weren't giving any sign.  
  
"But...?" I said, hoping he would tell me what was wrong.  
  
"I..." he frowned a little more deeply. "I guess that I simply can't imagine why you would want to abandon your... friends for an afternoon to spend it instead with someone such as... me."  
  
"Such as you?"  
  
"Yes." He took a hand away to gesture at himself as a whole. "I'm sure you know what I'm getting at."  
  
I studied him thoughtfully. "No, I don't really know what you're getting at. Because, you see, you're as worthy of my attention as anyone else is. And more than most. Besides, how often do I get to spend any real time with you? Not enough. I'm with my friends a lot. But you're my friend too. And this is my time to be with you."  
  
"Are you quite through with your sentimental drivel?" he mumbled. He had his head bowed, using the curtain of his hair to hide the fact that he was terribly touched by my words. I could tell, as his emotions were becoming easier to read for me, even without my sense of smell.  
  
"Quite," I affirmed with a smile, tugging on his hand a little to get him to look up. "Ah, Sev... just look at you. You're so much more relaxed than I've ever seen you. I knew this would be good for you." He snorted and rolled his eyes, but returned my smile just the same. "And now... I know just what you need to complete the experience." He looked curious until I pulled out the chocolate, at which point he looked disdainful.  
  
"I don't eat such things."  
  
"Just like you don't get drunk," I said playfully. "And do stop growling at me." Tearing the wrapper off one, I bit into it while he watched. "Mmm.. oh. It's _perfect_."  
  
"It's chocolate. You don't have to be so vocal."  
  
"But it's such a beautiful thing! Here, this one's yours," I added, proffering another bar.  
  
"No it isn't."  
  
"I'm _giving_ it to you," I said, unwrapping it for him and placing it in his hand. "Eat it."  
  
"No."  
  
"_Eat it_."  
  
"Look, I wore your fucking mittens, but I'm not eating your goddamned chocolate."  
  
"Language, Severus..." I admonished, waving a finger at him while continuing to demolish my own bar.  
  
"Sod off."  
  
"You're so charming when you want to be." I had finished mine, so I retrieved his and broke a piece off. "Open your mouth."  
  
He seemed ready to protest further, but then shrugged hopelessly. "You won't shut up until I do," he sighed before doing as I told him.  
  
At first it was rather fun feeding Severus. I wasn't particularly caring if anyone was watching us, but as it was everyone in the room was merely attending to their own business and not that of a couple of hormone-charged teenagers. And that's exactly what we were, because gradually something about watching him eat from my hand, chewing slowly and licking his lips in between, was starting to make me feel uncomfortably as though I really needed something.  
  
"See?" I gave him the last piece and watched him chew that as well. "It's not so bad, is it?"  
  
"I suppose not. As long as I'm with you, it isn't."  
  
I blushed. "Ah.. y... yes, I see..." He was staring fixedly at my hand.  
  
"You've chocolate on your finger."  
  
He was right; holding it for so long had caused it to melt slightly on my left index finger. "Yeah... I'll just--" I had begun to move my hand up toward my mouth, but Severus grabbed it quickly.  
  
"No," he murmured in a low voice. "I'll do it." The image from earlier flashed across my mind again, and I almost couldn't believe it was really happening.  
  
"Alright..." And he kept his eyes turned up to me as I watched him bring my hand to his mouth, felt it's moist warmth as he pushed my finger inside to the knuckle. Quite sure my eyes were glazing over, I felt his tongue rubbing along the bottom half of my finger... And then he sucked on it hard, almost convulsively. Several times.  
  
By that point I wasn't sure if I should say something. Moaning his name would perhaps be inappropriate at that place and time, yet that was exactly what I wanted to do. I believe I did gasp, however, and he slipped my finger out, smiling a small, rather satisfied smile. Suddenly I became aware that the table was too cramped, his knees were brushing mine, his eyes were drawing me even closer, and the room was so _hot_, why did I need this sweater? I looked at the small prints his teeth had left in my skin, and I was finding it hard to breathe.  
  
"I'm sorry," he said, his voice still exceedingly low, "if you didn't like it."  
  
"I... I did... Severus, I just didn't know you wanted..."  
  
"I do."  
  
"I... oh..."  
  
"We only have ten minutes before the carriages head back."  
  
"A... ah, yes..."  
  
Somehow we had all our things and we were outside again, the cold air hitting my face sharply, which was quite welcome. But instead of walking toward the station, he pulled me off behind the building, his eyes now looking slightly desperate.  
  
"Just a little longer... Please..." He seemed out of breath, but I just nodded and started kissing him, feeling his lips and tongue against mine, his hands roaming the lower half of my body while my own hands did the same. I became aware that our hips were moving, we were pushing against each other in desperation, but it didn't matter, it all felt wonderful and nothing would matter until...  
  
The bell at the station sounded, and we jerked away almost guiltily. I stared into his eyes which burned with such a fierce passion, so much emotion that I had never seen there before... His eyes were amazingly beautiful to me at that time. It was the hardest thing I felt I had ever done to smile and nod, shakily, and head off toward the station while he waited behind to follow later, those eyes watching me, hungry, longing...  
  
------  
  
"Moony! Have fun? Got my presents?" Sirius laughed, pawing at me slightly as we climbed into our carriage.  
  
"Yes, I had fun. No, I didn't get _your_ present," I laughed back, turning around to push him backward playfully before scrambling in. He in turn shoved me and I landed on the seat hard, which almost made me curse due to a certain amount of discomfort I was still experiencing. At least it was made unnoticeable by my clothes. Small comfort, I supposed.  
  
We were well on our way back to the castle soon, the carriage jolting a little too much for my tastes, my friends discussing their latest acquisitions from the joke shop rather boisterously. "Ah..." James finally sighed, settling back in his seat. "We've got a bit more sunlight left, at least. What do we want to do with it?"  
  
"Jump in the freezing cold lake," I said without hesitation.  
  
I didn't really mind the shocked looks this statement earned me.  
  
------  
  
Oh man.. I apologize. XD I feel really bad about building up their relationship and letting them have such a good time, knowing I'll have to rip it apart shortly. Anyway, thanks again for reading. Let me know if you really enjoyed it. (I did. -cackles-)


	4. Chapter 4

Notes: Thanks for your patience in waiting for this. I would like to update once a week, but if I can't manage that it will at least be every other week. And big gigantical THANK YOUs to my reviewer thus far. You're lovely people. ;D Especially Caffee, my biggest fan... I'm giving a shout out to her, yeah. XD  
  
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**Fallen Leaves - Chapter 4  
**  
--  
  
"Fancy meeting you here!"  
  
"Oh yes, _fancy_."  
  
Severus' sarcasm had little affect on me. The disdained look on his face couldn't even deter me. All I did was smile and pull him close to me where we stood under the shadows of an ancient statue, and he allowed me to kiss him softly. When I pulled away I could just barely see his eyes glitter as he looked down at me.  
  
"Well?"  
  
I blew out a frustrated breath. "Severus, you're ever so romantic."  
  
"What's that supposed to mean?"  
  
"Well, you should know _why_ I wanted you to meet me here..."  
  
"So we could snog in a dark corner? Yes. But there's nothing else?"  
  
"Er... does there _have_ to be?"  
  
"No..." he said slowly. Then his thin lips contorted into one of his almost-creepy grins. "Might as well make it interesting then." And he grabbed me round the waist, his head swooping down to my neck; I could feel his lips and tongue there, doing miraculous things that caused my heart to race and my palms to start sweating and...  
  
"Ah... Sev, I... a... OW! Severus, that's going to leave a mark, don't... ah... no, don't stop..."  
  
"Hello?"  
  
My head abruptly bumped hard against the statue's arm as the result of jerking away from Severus as he pushed me back in surprise at the same time. His hand quickly covered my mouth against my cry of pain, and I stared at him with wide, fearful eyes as he peered through the gloom toward the voice and the footsteps which could now be heard clicking hesitantly along the stone floor.  
  
"Who's there? I know I heard someone... Remus?" It was Sirius' voice. I frantically made a gesture for Severus to hide, but he only shook his head and thrust me behind the statue before turning and stalking out toward where I could now see Sirius coming around the corner. I gaped, wondering at his courage. Or maybe I was just wondering at how in the world he thought it would be better for him to show himself to Sirius than it would be for me to. But I could only watch helplessly as Sirius finally saw who was closing in on him, and stopped to sneer at his enemy, who was looking right back at him with a nearly identical expression.  
  
"Ah... Snivellus. Skulking around dark corridors, are we? I should have known, you being an evil creature of the night and all that."  
  
Severus spat something hardly repeatable in polite company, which only served to enfuriate Sirius as well as to cause me to wish he had just walked by without saying anything. _Why_ did he have to do that? Sirius' face hardened from contempt to anger as he reached out and gave Severus' shoulder a hard shove.  
  
"How many times am I going to have to tell you to watch what you say around me?" he demanded.  
  
Severus staggered backward slightly but held his ground, glaring intently at Sirius. "You're in no position to tell me what I can and can't say," he replied in his most dangerous tone of voice.  
  
"Yes, well, common decency would suggest that you not swear at me like that. Although, you wouldn't know much about being decent, would you?" Hoping the confrontation would end there, I watched anxiously as Sirius began to turn away, but stopped short and advanced a few steps closer to Severus. "Have you seen Remus? I don't know why I should bother asking _you_... although I know you follow you around trying to get him into trouble, you little snake."  
  
"Have I see Lupin?" Severus repeated, folding his arms and looking down his nose at Sirius, who had both fists clenched in a way that didn't look so good to me. "Maybe I have." By that time it took every ounce of willpower I had not to run out and stand between them. What was Severus playing at?  
  
"You bastard," Sirius was saying angrily, reaching out and grabbing the front of Severus' robes, actually lifting him slightly off the floor. "Did you see him or not? Did you _do something_ to him?"  
  
"I did," Severus smirked, not struggling at all. "And wouldn't _you_ like to know what I _did to him_."  
  
That was enough for Sirius; he swung his other fist back and punched Severus in the stomach. I had both hands over my mouth to keep from crying out as I saw him writhe in Sirius' grip, coughing sharply. "You tell me _now_!" Sirius roared.  
  
"Fuck off," Severus wheezed in response before his own fist connected with Sirius' jaw.  
  
"Shit!" Clutching his face, Sirius dropped his opponent, who landed in a heap on the floor. Then I was beyond despair as I watched the situation turn into a full-blown physical brawl, complete with flying fists, kicking legs, and numerous nasty expletives. Sirius soon had Severus pinned to the floor with his much bigger size, and was finally pulling out his wand.  
  
Too late I started out of hiding to put a stop to it, deciding I would deal with the consequences later. There was a flash of light as Sirius shouted something strange, and then he was standing triumphantly over Severus, laying curled in a ball on the floor with his hands to his head.  
  
"Y--" I began.  
  
"_What is going on here_?"  
  
The sharp voice of Minerva McGonagall made us all start; fortunately I stumbled back into the statue's shadow before any of them saw me. "Mr. Black and Mr. Snape. _Again_. This is hardly unexpected, and yet I am still disappointed. With the number of detentions the two of you have served in the past for fighting with each other, I would have thought some sense might have sunk into your heads by now. Explain yourselves."  
  
McGonagall looked furious, her left eyebrow twitching spastically in a way I certainly had never seen before. Despite the situation, I still felt a measure of relief that I wasn't one of the subjects of her wrath. I could partially see Sirius' stony expression, as well as Severus' dark glare from beneath the mass of hair that had fallen in front of his face. He still had his hands clamped to the top of his head, but exactly what Sirius had done to him, I couldn't tell.  
  
"I was out looking for Remus and I ran into this tw-- er, Snape, and he insinuated that he'd done something to Remus. I couldn't let that go, what if he's hurt Remus? So I... er..."  
  
"And so you hit him." MacGonagall's stern expression didn't falter.  
  
"I... well, yeah... but then he hit me back!"  
  
"Do you deny this, Mr. Snape?"  
  
"No," Severus hissed.  
  
"Manners, Mr. Snape," MacGonagall suggested coldly.  
  
"No ma'am, I don't deny it," he muttered, still looking insolent.  
  
"And did you see Mr. Lupin this evening?"  
  
"No ma'am."  
  
"And you said you did, perhaps, to get a reaction out of Mr. Black?"  
  
"Yes. ...Ma'am." Severus had his teeth clenched, as though attempting to be polite for so long caused him great pain.  
  
"What has happened to your head?" was McGonagall's next question, and Severus bent forward, which unfortunately obscured him from my view.  
  
"That imbecile did it to me!" I heard him say furiously, and McGonagall drew in a breath at whatever it was she saw.  
  
"Mr. Snape, kindly refrain from insults. Mr. Black, what were you trying to do?"  
  
"I... well ma'am, I... was trying to transfigure him..." Sirius offered lamely, looking very embarassed at admitting as much in front of the Transfiguration teacher herself. MacGonagall pursed her lips.  
  
"Needless to say, you did not do a very good job. Fortunately for you, considering whatever you were trying to... it's highly dangerous... ah..." She trailed off, throwing her hands up in the air in exasperation. "We can discuss this further in the Headmaster's office. Yes, I'm afraid that IS necessary, Mr. Black. _Mr. Snape_, your language is _atrocious_. The two of you are behaving like first years fresh off the train and not the mature fourth years you are supposed to be. I'm afraid that both of you are at fault here. Come along now."  
  
She swept off down the hall toward my hiding place, and I shrank further into the shadows, holding my breath as they all passed by, Sirius and Severus both glaring at the floor. Severus had his hands firmly over his head again, preventing me from seeing anything. It seemed like several minutes after their footsteps had died away before I felt safe enough to breathe again. I quietly crept away in the opposite direction heading for Gryffindor tower, my emotions a jumbled mess after what I'd just witnessed.  
  
------  
  
By the time Sirius came back to our dorm room it was late, and I pretended to be asleep even though I knew he would be wanting to question me as to my whereabouts earlier in the evening. But in the morning there was just no avoiding him over breakfast.  
  
"Well?" he demanded testily, plopping down right across from me at the table. I looked up from my oatmeal to his handsome, frowning face and tried a weak smile.  
  
"Well... what?"  
  
"Where _were_ you last night, Moony? It's like you completely forgot that you were going to lend me your History of Magic notes last night, and you just disappeared! And of course I just _had_ to run into Snape out sneaking 'round in the dark while looking for you, and he got me into trouble with McGonagall _and_ the Headmaster, and now I'm spending a week's worth of detention in the _same_ _room_ as the cretin! _That's_ 'well what'!"  
  
He finally stopped for breath, and waited expectantly for my answer. "Er..." I began, toying nervously with my spoon. "I did forget... and I went to the library and I just... I'm really sorry, Sirius."  
  
He eyed me in a way that left me feeling very uncomfortable. "You're acting awfully shady. It's not like you to... forget things like this. Is there anything you need to tell me?" He looked concerned. This was getting harder to do.  
  
"No, everything's fine. I just... you know, full moon's in a couple days... I've been feeling a little more odd than normal." At least that much was true, as I had definitely woken up that morning feeling rather shaky.  
  
"Well... alright. Take care of yourself, mate." He reached over to pat me on the shoulder before beginning to load up his plate with eggs. I smiled and nodded, glad that much was over.  
  
"Oh, but you should've seen Snape," Sirius chuckled between shoveling in mouthfuls, his normal good spirits returning rapidly. "Nasty little git gave me a few bruises, but he definitely came out worse in the end. Almost worth the dentention... almost." I tried to laugh, but stopped paying attention while Sirius told the rest of his story to anyone else nearby who would listen. I was trying to look over at the Slytherin table to see if Severus was there. He wasn't.  
  
Making some sort of half-hearted excuse, I got up and headed out of the hall toward the hospital wing, certain he must be there. I had enough time before my first class to try to straighten things out. Even though I knew Severus would take a great deal more effort to work out than Sirius.  
  
------  
  
"Your friend Mr. Black left last night after I took care of his bruises, surely you must know that?" Madame Pomfrey looked entirely confused as to why I should be there at all.  
  
"Er... I came to visit..."  
  
"Mr. Snape is the only student here currently. I haven't quite gotten his... affliction taken care of yet. Badly cast spell. You _did_ come to visit him?"  
  
"Well, yes..."  
  
"Alright then, go on ahead. He had refused to leave until I get it all sorted out. Acid-tongued boy, that one. Perhaps you can reason with him better than I, heaven knows..." She gestured at a bed farther down the ward with a curtain pulled around two sides of it, then walked back toward her office. I approached the bed, taking a deep breath before I cautiously edged around the curtain so as not to startle him.  
  
"Sever... us..."  
  
_Knowing_ it was horribly impolite to stare wasn't enough to stop me from staring anyway. When I finally found my voice again, I couldn't even manage whole words. "Sev... y... ant..."  
  
"Bloody sodding antennae. _Cockroach antennae_, if you want to be precise. Yes, that's what they are," Severus growled angrily. I was finding it hard not to laugh at the long, whiplike appendages sprouting from the middle of his head, knowing that would be even _more_ horribly impolite. But they were twitching about as though moved by his fury, and he was indeed glaring at me with a rage previously unmatched by anything else... I bit hard on my lip before attempting to continue.  
  
"Well, they're... a lot bigger than... normal-sized cockroach antennae..."  
  
"Yes, well, that dolt botched the spell enough so that instead of turning me into a giant cockroach, he only managed the antennae. I am _not_ going out to be ridiculed until it's set right and STOP LAUGHING!"  
  
Collapsing into a chair beside his bed where he was laying, I found that I really couldn't comply with his request. "Severus... it's just ridiculous... and you look funny, I can't..." I began gasping out.  
  
"Oh yes, it's hilarious. I knew you'd side with your idiotic... _friend_, the fucking prat--"  
  
"Severus..." Seeing his rage, I calmed down quickly, leaning in toward him. "Don't--"  
  
"--if MacGonagall hadn't shown up when she did, I would have _killed_ that overgrown--"  
  
"Severus!"  
  
"--arrogant, preening bastard with my bare hands, damned if he's your bloody 'friend' or not--"  
  
"_Severus Snape_! That's enough!"  
  
Later I didn't remember having stood up and leaned over him, grasping the front of his shirt in both fists and moving my face only inches in front of his. Yet it happened somehow, and I do know that at that moment I was unspeakably angry with him.  
  
"That's enough," I repeated, my voice sounding foreign even to myself. "You're not hurt, you're hardly suffering, your life hasn't been threatened in any way. It was a childish thing Sirius tried to do to you, but you're turning it into such a... such a big deal. Maybe if you had the ability to laugh at yourself you wouldn't be so vengeful and stubborn. Don't do this to yourself. And don't do it to me."  
  
Severus was silent, only staring at me with eyes wider than normal. I supposed it was because I had never been remotely angry with him before, and he didn't think me capable of it; I made a mental note to get angry at him again the next time he behaved irrationally if it would get him to shut up this way.  
  
"Well?" I asked him in a gentler voice, smoothing out his shirt apologetically, but not moving from my bent position over him. He turned his head away quickly.  
  
"I hate you," I heard him mumble. I reached out and forced him to face me again.  
  
"You hate me, do you," I said quietly. "Then why are you looking at me like that?" I only continued to stare into his confused eyes a few seconds longer before I closed the distance between us and found his lips with my own. It took a little while for him to respond, but when he did he returned my kiss with enough feeling for me to know that I hadn't been wrong.  
  
"Oh, Severus," I sighed when we separated at last. Pulling the chair closer to his bed, I sat down and rested my head against his stomach, my head turned to I could see his face. "Why? Why did you have to react that way?"  
  
He was silent for awhile, watching me through half-lidded eyes, but when he did speak he wasn't angry. "There was no other way to react."  
  
"Yes there was."  
  
"You were laughing at me. What do you expect?"  
  
"I wasn't laughing _at_ you. If you could just see the humor in a situation--"  
  
"I don't see any humor in being humiliated by a _Gryffindor_," he replied, starting to heat up again.  
  
"Don't get cross with me, Severus," I murmured sitting up and beginning to stroke the hair away from his forehead soothingly as though he were a child. "Want me to get angry again?" He suddenly looked very ashamed.  
  
"I... no." His antennae actually drooped slightly, and I had to laugh. Then they twitched with a spark of his anger, and I laughed again.  
  
"You... you... I... _what_?"  
  
"They move with your emotions." I smiled, reaching up to feel one carefully between my fingers. He tried to jerk away but I held firm. "It's actually... kind of cute." His face flushed and the antenna I wasn't holding started to twitch wildly, while I could feel the other one squirming against my grip. I watched Severus frown as deeply as he could, but the corners of his mouth kept betraying him and moving upward. Eventually we both just sat back and had a good laugh, and I was so pleased to see him do this that I didn't mind at all that I was late for my first class.  
  
"Got to go, don't you?" he finally asked once he had regained his composure again.  
  
"Nah," I said lightly, picking up one of his hands and holding it in my own. "I can skive off for once. Why are you laying down anyway? It's not like you're some kind of invalid."  
  
"Well I _was_ sleeping before you got here."  
  
"Ah... want to get back to that, do you? It's alright..."  
  
"No!" He pulled me back down by the hand he still held. "I mean... no, that's alright," he grumbled as though the flash of dismay that had come over his features had never in fact existed at all. "I can sit up though..."  
  
"No, no, just stay there. I like you like that."  
  
"Lupin... don't say such things," he said, looking embarassed. I tilted my head, watching his left antenna dance to one side as he looked everywhere but at me. "What's come over you lately anyway?"  
  
"What do you mean?"  
  
"You're so much more... bold. Or... something."  
  
"Ah. Well, I'm getting used to you, I think. By that I mean used to your foul, stubborn moods. I'm not as afraid of you as I used to be, so I feel a little bolder with you in certain matters. How's that for an answer?"  
  
"Great," he muttered, antennae still twitching in different directions as though he was agitated.  
  
"I think so too. Now, is it my turn to ask a question?"  
  
"You would even if I said no."  
  
"Why did you do that exactly? Decide to confront Sirius. I could have distracted him more easily, you know."  
  
He took a long time to think of his reply. "I just wanted to show you I can handle him."  
  
"I... that... that's it? Severus, I _know_ you can handle him. I'm not some... girl you need to impress to get me to like you. Alright?" I saw that he still seemed irritated, so I leaned in to kiss him again. "Alright?"  
  
"Yes, yes," he sighed at last.  
  
"One more question..."  
  
"Good lord..."  
  
"What Sirius said about you following me around... is that true?" That time I had really hit on a delicate area, and he stared at me for a very long time before answering.  
  
"I only want to see when you'll disappear again. And where you go. I only want to know." His tone was defensive. I shook my head slowly.  
  
"I'm sorry. I can't tell you... yet... someday I will. I promise. But listen, you can't go on following me. Sirius noticed, obviously. One day he might come to a different conclusion than that you're just trying to cause trouble. Just don't... don't try to follow me. Please." My eyes drifted along his still form, watching his chest barely move with his breathing and his eyes regarding me with a mixture of curiosity and some kind of need.  
  
"I can't promise. But I won't again... for awhile," was all he would say.  
  
"I guess that will do then..." There was really no point trying to force Severus to do or not do something he had his mind set on, I knew that already. "Think I'll get going then... you really do look tired. Bet you didn't sleep much last night because you were too busy frothing over the..." I gestured at the antennae, which stiffened as soon as I called his attention to them.  
  
"Huh. None of your business why I couldn't sleep," he replied haughtily. "And you're the one who looks like you could use a rest. You look... weak. More so than usual."  
  
Standing up, I smiled shakily at him. "Yes... I suppose. Feeling a little ill lately..."  
  
"Remus." His grave tone made me look at him closely. "You get some rest then, as well. I mean it."  
  
"Ah..." I leaned down over him again, and he lifted a hand up to touch the back of my head. "Why Severus, I do believe you're really starting to care about me."  
  
"Cram it," he mumbled before pulling me down for a final kiss. His tongue felt hot against mine, and I felt bold enough to rub my hand along his leg, lingering maybe just a little too long on his inner thigh before we had to stop. Actually I had to force myself to move away for our own good. But he was still looking at me with longing, and it was very hard to lift a hand in farewell and to turn away from him.  
  
"Wait... Remus."  
  
Much easier to turn around and smile at him though. "Yes?"  
  
"I don't hate you. I didn't mean to..."  
  
"Oh, I know. But Severus, you're being positively sweet. My little cockroach..."  
  
"You...!"  
  
I dashed away before he could say more, snickering to myself.  
  
------  
  
But later as I lay down to rest as he had suggested, I began thinking of what would happen when I _did_ tell Severus about my... problem. How would he react? And why couldn't I just tell him now? I didn't know yet. In the end it probably came down to my own fear... the fear of losing him.  
  
------  
  
Comments and criticism are indeed helpful... 


	5. Chapter 5

Notes: Hello and thanks again for the reviews. XD Let me assure some of you that, although I do plan on taking them apart (it's necessary), I will be putting them back together again in the end. How could I not?! They're damned cute together. :P That being said, this chapter deals with Christmas. I know it's a little too early for Christmas, but it's fun anyway. Enjoy!  
  
Also, PippinsMyHobbit: Please PLEASE say you have a scanner, and that you'll scan the picture you drew. PLEEEEAAASE.  
  
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**Fallen Leaves - Chapter 5**  
  
--  
  
The next full moon passed with no interference from Severus, true to his word. Although it was also true that he wouldn't know the time to be significant... He was incredibly smart, and I wondered exactly how long it would take him to figure it all out. I would tell him before that, I was certain.  
  
All of this fled my mind as another week, Christmas holidays rapidly approaching. Severus had grown increasingly sullen during this time, although if it was because of the season or just because he hated his detentions with Sirius so much, I was sure. Probably both.  
  
"Hey." He looked up briefly from his book, muttered a hello, then resumed reading. The library was deserted; this close to vacation everyone had much better things to do than spend their time surrounded by books. "Can I... er... can I sit down?" I asked hesitantly, unsure from his attitude whether or not he would welcome my company. All he did was shrug and flip a page over, so I sat nervously, moving my chair closer to him along the table.  
  
"Something wrong?"  
  
"No."  
  
"What are you in here reading for? You could go out and--"  
  
"No."  
  
I sighed, then snatched the book out of his hands and shoved it away down the table. "Don't be stupid. Give me that," he demanded, his eyes cold as he stared at me.  
  
"No," I replied, mimicking his lower tone before switching back to normal. "Not until you tell me what's wrong."  
  
"Ah... yes. Why would something be wrong? I'm _always_ here in the library, you know that."  
  
"Not always," I said lightly, taking his hand. He stiffened, but didn't pull away. "You've been tetchy lately. Beyond normal, I mean. Is it the detentions? Sirius?"  
  
"Prat."  
  
"Mm. What else then? Don't you like..." My words trailed away at the look on his face, and he jerked his hand away.  
  
"No, I don't like Christmas. I don't like the hideous decorations, I don't like the disgusting displays of affection, I don't like 'good cheer' in general. I hate it all. Might as well be named after the character from that Muggle Christmas story... what was it..."  
  
"Um... Ebenezer Scrooge, isn't it..."  
  
"Exactly. So, does that answer make you happy and satisfy you as to 'what's wrong' as you're always so fond of asking?" Apparently finished with his little tirade, he leaned his elbows against the table and began rubbing his forehead as though he had suddenly developed a headache. I reached out tentatively to rub my hand down his back.  
  
"Well, it helps me to understand your bad mood a little better... but no, it doesn't make me happy. Severus, why don't you like it? What about going home over the holidays, aren't you looking forward to--"  
  
He stood up suddenly, knocking his chair over in his haste to do so. "I have to go, Lupin. See you later."  
  
"Severus, wait..." But he was already out of sight, and I slumped back in my chair, wondering exactly what I had said wrong that time.  
  
------  
  
"Christmas holidays!" Sirius announced brightly to the room in general the next morning at breakfast. There was only a few days left, and the beautifully decorated Great Hall was noisier than normal with excited students. "'Sgoing to be smashing. Right, Moony?"  
  
"Hm?" I had been staring distractedly over at the Slytherin table, hoping to catch just a glimpse of Severus. "Oh. Well, yes! Of course, it's Christmas, after all," I smiled at Sirius.  
  
"What're you doing this year anyway?" James asked from his seat next to him. "With your family and all that, I mean."  
  
"I imagine just..." At that moment the mail arrived with the flutter of feathers, and we were all distracted momentarily as we watched the owls swoop overhead. A small barn owl fluttered overhead briefly before dropping it's letter on me.  
  
"Christmas card for Moony," Sirius laughed as it slipped off my head and landed partially in my pancake syrup.  
  
"Hmm..." I picked it up and dabbed at it with my napkin, examining the return address. "Ah, it's from my parents. I wonder...." Ripping the envelope open quickly, I scanned the letter over and was sure my face fell. "Oh. Seems Dad won some sort of trip to Bermuda over Christmas, and they're going. Two person trip. Heh. Ah well, they do deserve something nice like this. Seems I'll be staying at Hogwarts for Christmas," I concluded with a smile, actually quite happy for my parents. My mother was a witch, but my father a Muggle. We weren't exactly a rich family, and I definitely didn't hold this against them.  
  
"No, Moony!" Sirius cried. "I'd make it so you could come home with me. Although... you know... the illustrious Black family..." he snorted in disgust. I knew he wasn't particularly fond of much of his family.  
  
"Or me," James pitched in. "Mum and Dad wouldn't mind, I'll bet."  
  
"Well..." My brain was working frantically. Could I really stay at school? Was Severus even going home for the holidays? Maybe he wasn't, and that was why he was so upset. "We'll see. Maybe I'll just stay here."  
  
They all looked at me like I was crazy. At the moment I didn't care.  
  
------  
  
The next full moon would occur after classes resumed next year, I was very careful to be sure of that first. The next thing I had to do was find Severus again and try to get more information out of him. I didn't see him in the library again until the night before the last day of classes. He had managed to slip away from me any other time I had tried to corner him.  
  
"Severus!" He grunted something unintelligible, and I took that as a sign that I could sit down. "What are you doing for Christmas?" I blurted out before he could try to escape. He lazily lifted his eyes to me, and I noticed with a start how bleary they were.  
  
"I don't know."  
  
"Er... are you going home?"  
  
"I don't know."  
  
"How can you not know?"  
  
"I just don't yet," he snapped irritably.  
  
"Fine, fine. I'm sorry. It's just that... I could possibly stay here if you are. Think how much time we could spend together! And... Severus, what's wrong with your eyes?"  
  
"Nothing. And why wouldn't you choose to go home or stay with your... friends instead?"  
  
I explained the situation to him while continuing to stare at his bloodshot eyes. Something was wrong, but he obviously wasn't going to tell me. "So you see... wouldn't it be great? When will you know what you're doing?"  
  
"I don't know."  
  
Couldn't you be a little more helpful here?" I sighed.  
  
"No."  
  
"Oh alright. Hopefully you can tell me before it's too late." He grunted at me again and returned to his book. I just left him to it, vowing to myself that I would cheer him up somehow if all this worked out.  
  
------  
  
The morning everyone was due to leave arrived, and I still didn't know what Severus was doing. In any case I had made up my mind to stay. I saw my friends off, laughing at their jokes and assuring them that I wouldn't be _too_ lonely, and no, I really wouldn't open the presents they had given me until Christmas Day three days from now. My heart feeling a little heavier after they had departed, I turned to shuffle back down the hallway.  
  
I wanted to be with them. And I wanted to be with Severus. What was the right choice? Was there one?  
  
Lost in these thoughts, I almost ran straight into the Headmaster coming around the corner. He reached out a steady arm to catch me as I stumbled forward in surprise. Unable to do anything but blink for a moment, I finally looked up at him and smiled at his kindly expression.  
  
The man in front of me held a great amount of my respect, and not just as a result of his allowing me to attend this school when most others wouldn't hear of such a thing. He also just had a very likeable personality, and if there was anyone you needed to talk to about anything at all without fear of censure, your best choice would be Albus Dumbledore. A more fair and kind wizard surely didn't exist.  
  
"Remus," he smiled down at me, his eyes twinkling like normal from behind his glasses. "I thought you might be interested in knowing that something very unusual has occurred. It seems that the only students remaining at Hogwart's over the holidays are yourself and young Mr. Snape. Typically there is a slightly larger number of students who remain behind, but not this year. Most curious, really."  
  
"Ah... he's staying then? I asked eagerly, then bit my lip in frustration. Surely Dumbledore didn't...  
  
"Yes, he received a letter this morning saying that he may. I also should tell you it is a remarkable thing to see a young person put himself out for someone who does not have much to be happy about at one of the happiest times of the year." Dumbledore's smile continued to be knowing and yet at the same time unassuming, and I swallowed hard, hoping that the warmth I could feel spreading across my face was imperceptible.  
  
"I... er... thank... thank you, sir," I managed to croak out.  
  
"There is no need to be embarrassed, Remus," he said, patting my shoulder gently. "I believe inter-House relationships to be highly commendable. Happy Christmas."  
  
"H... H... Happy... Christmas." I watched him pass by and continue down the hall, wondering how he did it. Of course, not much slipped by under the Headmaster's nose... But the fact that he knew, despite how much of a secret it was...  
  
I felt a sudden need to sit down.  
  
------  
  
Not long after, as I neared Gryffindor Tower, I heard footsteps again, and slowed to a stop so I wouldn't abruptly run into anyone else. But these footsteps were slow and hesitant, pausing every now and then as though whoever it was wasn't quite sure of their way. I cautiously poked my head around the corner, and there was Severus. With one hand to his head, his hair in disarray, and his bloodshot eyes rolling around in confusion, he either looked drunk or... exhausted? Frowning, I hurried over to him and held onto his free arm.  
  
"Severus, what's wrong with you? Are you hurt?" He jerked slightly as though he had just realized I was there, eyes barely able to focus on me as I bent my face into his line of sight.  
  
"Remus," he said slowly, "I'm tired. Was looking for you." He was really out of it, his words slurred while his body swayed slightly.  
  
"Severus, how long has it been since you _slept_?"  
  
"Two days. Or... or three. I forgot. I'm tired, Remus."  
  
"Merlin... why... oh, you can tell me later. Come on, you can come up to the tower with me. No one else is there. We have the place all to ourselves you know--"  
  
"No! I'm not... not going up to that stupid... stupid Gryff..." He swayed backward dangerously, but I went around behind him and caught him in my arms, astonished at how light he felt.  
  
"You're in no shape to argue with me," I said firmly, moving beside him but keeping my arm tight around my waist. "Come on now." I led him along, ignoring his half-hearted protests, through the Fat Lady's portrait, the common room, and up the spiral stairs, where he nearly fell twice.  
  
"Here." I took him to the edge of my bed and pressed him down onto it. He sat looking at me blearily.  
  
"Bloody hell."  
  
"Er... what?"  
  
"I'm in _Gryffindor Tower_," he groaned. More alert now, he stared at the other three beds suspiciously as though Sirius, James, and Peter would crawl out from under them any minute. I laughed at him.  
  
"Oh, it's alright. They're gone. Everyone's gone. Just don't worry about it."  
  
"Easy for you to say," he grumbled.  
  
"Heh. You... you can lay down there, it's alright." Suggesting he lay on my bed made me feel incredibly nervous for some reason, be he just shrugged and did so, his eyes half closing as his head rested on my pillow. Then he yawned tremendously, and that seemed to calm my nerves somewhat. "Imagine you'll want to sleep..."  
  
"Imagine so." His voice was very quiet; I went around the bed and sat on the edge of the other side to hear him better.  
  
"Why, Severus...?" I asked, looking at him with concern as he turned his head toward me. "Have you been unwell? You can tell me, I won't..." I stopped talking as he shook his head slightly.  
  
"I really... didn't want to go home. That's all."  
  
"And you were worried that you would have to? That's why you didn't sleep?"  
  
"Yes."  
  
"Why?"  
  
He shook his head again. "Secrets. Too many secrets. I have mine, you have yours. Even."  
  
"I... alright." I just couldn't reason with that, and at the moment I really wanted him to rest. But still, what could have him so worried about going home that he wouldn't sleep for two or three days? "You can just go to sleep. We'll talk later."  
  
"Wait." Rummaging around in the pockets of his robes, he came up with a tiny corked vial of liquid. "Need to drink this first."  
  
"What is that?" I demanded, holding him arm back as he moved to open it. He shot me as baleful a look as he could manage with his weary eyes.  
  
"Draught of Living Death."  
  
"Draught of Living... Severus, where did you _get_ that?"  
  
"Made it. Let go, damn it."  
  
"You... you _made_ it? It's an extremely advanced potion, how could you..." In my surprise I had let go of him, and he swallowed the bottle's contents hastily.  
  
"Well, I'm an extremely advanced person. Comes in handy, this does." I wanted to ask him more, but he held up a hand to stop me. "It's enough to put me to sleep for twenty-four hours. I won't be able to wake up for any reason before then, just so you know."  
  
"Alright... but why do you need it now?"  
  
"Was going to use it before anyway. But need it more now. I'm in _Gryffindor Tower_. Gryffindor's _bed_. Not... sleep... stupid." The potion was clearly taking effect, and his eyes had closed fully.  
  
"Oh, right. When has the fact that _I'm_ a Gryffindor ever stopped you from wanting to be around me?" I teased.  
  
"Friend."  
  
"W... what?"  
  
"Friend. You are. Only real friend. Remus. Imbecile."  
  
I grinned, very touched by this confession. "Ahhh... Severus..." was all I could say as I ran my fingers gently through his hair. He had a very small smile on his face and I was certain he was asleep until he opened one slightly.  
  
"Don't take advantage of me now." And with that warning he finally was asleep, the way he soon began snoring lightly making that very evident. I chuckled, watching his face, more relaxed than I had ever seen it before.  
  
"I wouldn't," I told him, even though he couldn't hear me.  
  
The first few hours were alright. I tried reading a book and just relaxing, but every few sentences I remembered Severus was in the room and I had to look at him, so I eventually gave up. After that I just lay beside him, "to keep him company", I told myself. By that time his snores had greatly increased in volume, and it gave me great amusement to just watch him and grin without fear of him taking offense. It did make me wonder how his roommates managed to get any sleep at all. Not that I would ever ask him.  
  
Lunch, a rather strange affair involving only myself, Dumbledore, and a few other professors, came and went, then it was back to Severus, who of course had not moved at all. I stared at him again for a long time. I attempted to read to him. I placed my head on his chest and listened to his heartbeat. Finally I just stretched out next to him again, sighing.  
  
"Well, Sev. Didn't exactly think our first day together would be so exciting, did you?" Turning my head as if to wait for his reply, I noticed his face was a bit shiny with sweat. I leaned over him, frowning. "Are you hot? Hm. Like asking you will help. I wonder..." It _was_ very warm in the room, and he was still dressed in heavy robes, while I was in short sleeves.  
  
Now, the idea of taking off Severus' clothes was appealing. It would be lying to say otherwise. But I wasn't sure if it would qualify in his way of thinking as "taking advantage" or not. He moaned softly, his brow wrinkling in distress, whether from dreams or the heat, I couldn't know.  
  
"That's it. I'll at least get those robes off you. Maybe your shirt." I leaned back and stared. "Easier said than done."  
  
Removing the robes actually wasn't that hard. All I needed to do was unclasp the front and pull the voluminous sleeves down over his arms. His head rolled around oddly during this process, and it wasn't exactly dignified-looking, but at least he wasn't able to protest. I eyed the black sweater he was wearing underneath and shook my head.  
  
"I don't know, Sev. It's a bit much." But another glance at his pallid, sweating face decided me. I pulled his right arm straight out to the side --finding something very amusing about doing so, for some reason-- and slid his arm out of the sleeve. Or tried to. Then I tried to bend his arm and pull it out. Giving that up, I attempted to do the same with the other arm. I realized just _maybe_ I should have put his arms _over_ his head and pulled it off that way. Before I tore the fabric, would have been the idea.  
  
"_Shit_," I whispered hopelessly.  
  
------  
  
"Bloody hell."  
  
"Er... what?"  
  
"I'm in _Gryffindor Tower_."  
  
"I think that was established already, yeah."  
  
"Agghh... where's that bloody _light_ coming from?"  
  
"Windows. Some people have them in their rooms. And sometimes they open the curtains and this thing called 'sunlight' comes in."  
  
"Very funny. Get off me."  
  
"No..." I yawned, nestling closer to Severus and keeping my arm around him tightly. I had been counting on him to wake up and not feel _too_ angry at finding me there, because I hadn't been quite able to get myself to sleep on one of the other beds as long as he was in the room. When I sneaked a look at him, he only looked a little disapproving, so I took that as an encouragement.  
  
"Remus... really. Let go."  
  
"Nah."  
  
"Lupin!"  
  
"I can't... please Sev, don't make me."  
  
"Lupin, I've just slept twenty-four hours and I have to _piss_. Would you _Get off_."  
  
"Ah! S-sorry..." I scrambled away to show him to the bathroom, certain I was blushing to the roots of my hair as I stood outside waiting for him to finish.  
  
"What the hell am I wearing?" I heard him rant soon enough, and I smiled as he came out to glare at me. "This is _not_ my sweater."  
  
"Yes, well... er... you were sweating, so I took off your robes and sweater. Er... sorta ripped it along the way. So I... well, what you're wearing now is your Christmas present. You seemed cold later. By that time I had worked out exactly how to do it. And... sorry about your sweater," I concluded, now totally embarrassed.  
  
"The house elves can mend it anyway," he said, waving a hand dismissively. He was studying the sweater I had given him intently. It was a very deep shade of green, which I had already known would suit him. It had cost a deal of money, but I hadn't been able to stop thinking of him in it once I had seen it. "Christmas present...?"  
  
'Yes... do you like it?"  
  
"It's not black."  
  
"Severus, all you wear is black. Live a little." I grinned again. "It's a Slytherin color anyway. And you look well in it. So?"  
  
"I... of course I like it. Thank you." If he thought a scowl could hide the flush that had arisen on his face, he was sorely mistaken. Delighted, I took his hand and pulled him back to the room, where I was able to coax him to lay down again so that I could curl up and rest with my head against his stomach.  
  
"Liked seeing me half-naked, did you?" he asked presently, one eyebrow arched while I laughed nervously.  
  
"A... ah... Severus, I... wasn't trying to take advantage of you, you know that. And you're awfully skinny, you should eat more," I added, hoping to change the subject. The memory of his thin, pale body tugged at me though; I knew I was skinny myself, but Severus was nearly skeletal.  
  
"I eat enough," he shrugged. I let the topic die there and just rested in silence, my hand on his chest, feeling it through the sweater's soft material as his long fingers idly stroked through my hair.  
  
"Do you really hate Christmas that much?" I found myself asking him, a bit surprised at my own daring. He mused on that awhile, his eyes fixed overhead on something only he could see.  
  
"Not really. It's an inconvenience, mostly."  
  
"How is it an inconvenience? I didn't see you at the Yule Ball, for example. You certainly didn't let _that_ inconvenience you." His derisive snort caused me to look up in time to see the sharp glance he cast at me.  
  
"Idiocy. I suppose I knew _you_ would like such things. Bet you even had a bloody date and everything."  
  
"Well, I did go. But I didn't have a date," I replied, amused.  
  
"What about that bast... Black. He's always so damned protective of you. And annoying. I thought maybe..." I laughed outright at that, while Severus looked highly affronted. "_What_?"  
  
"Oh, Severus. Don't be jealous. Sirius likes _girls_. He likes girls _a lot_. You don't hear him at night, talking about which one he's taken to fancying each week and describing their attributes in... detail."  
  
"Thank Merlin for the little things," he muttered, rolling his eyes. I laughed again.  
  
"Besides, he thinks of me like his little brother. He told me so. Well, a _better_ little brother," I added upon reflection, knowing how he liked to complain about Regulus. "That's why he tries to take good care of me. Besides being my friend, anyway."  
  
"Bloody annoying, self-righteous, conceited bastard, irritating--" Paying no mind to his mumbled oaths against Sirius, I crawled over and stretched out on top of him, silencing his words with a firm kiss.  
  
"Sev, behave yourself. It's Christmas."  
  
"Damn Christmas, damn Black, and damn you," he growled.  
  
"You're so endearing. Exactly why I like you so much." I smirked down at him before kissing him a second time, allowing his tongue to steal into my mouth while I pressed my body closer against his. When I broke away and looked at him again, I was pleased with his pacified expression.  
  
"Now. You don't hate Christmas, really. You got your present from me already. It's fair I have mine, isn't it?" I was only trying to tease him, but if it turned out he _didn't_ have a present for me, I was going to be very embarrassed very soon.  
  
"I... yes, it's fair. We'll have to go to my room though." He was the one looking embarrassed, so I gave him another small kiss, then smiled.  
  
"Great. Lead the way." Climbing off him with reluctance, I followed him out, glad now that I hadn't bothered to change into nightclothes the evening before.  
  
The walk down to the dungeons was slow and involved Severus looking all around cautiously as though we were about to be caught doing something we shouldn't. I just trailed along after him, amused with his need to be dramatic, and didn't complain when he told me to put my fingers in my ears while he said the Slytherin common room password, and a section of the wall slid aside so we could enter.  
  
I continued following Severus down to his dorm room, not impressed with the cold atmosphere. On the other hand, he seemed far more relaxed than normal, and didn't mind pointing out things and telling me about them. We were standing and talking this way beside his bed when something in the corner of my eye caught at my attention. It was on the nightstand, small and bright red. Suddenly curious, I turned toward it.  
  
"Severus, what's--"  
  
He quickly moved to snatch at it, but I was quicker. What I found myself holding on my palm was a red autumn leaf, perfectly preserved, not brittle but soft to the touch. "Severus, you..." I looked up at his reddening face. "This is a leaf from that day, isn't it? You saved it. You put a charm on it so it wouldn't break apart. I can't believe it." My voice was soft with wonder, and I continued to stare up at him while he struggled to speak.  
  
"Is it really so hard?" he asked quietly, eyes averted. "So hard for you to believe I could ever be sentimental in any way?"  
  
"No! It's... touching. You seem more human now."  
  
"Oh, shut up."  
  
"No, Sev, really..." I said, hugging him. "It's sweet to think you would do such a thing."  
  
"Thank you." He sighed. "This is getting disgusting. Here." Pushing me away, he bent to open the nightstand drawer, then turned and hastily shoved two leather-bound books into my hands. "Er... Happy... Christmas."  
  
I put the leaf back, then turned the books over in my hands, one black and the other dark red, otherwise identical. Both also completely blank and unlined. "What do--"  
  
"What do they do, you ask now. Heh."  
  
"No, it's just--"  
  
"Yes, I know. Here. This one's mine, really." He took the black book from me, and quickly rummaged a quill and ink bottle from the drawer. "Open yours," he said, hand poised over his own open book. I did so, and as Severus began to write, I saw the word "Remus" appear in his small, spidery writing on the first page.  
  
"Wow," I breathed, impressed. "Let me try." Taking the quill, I wrote "Severus" in my book, then looked in his to see it also appear there in my same rounded letters. "Incredible. Sev, you _know_ how great this is, don't you?"  
  
"Of course I do. It's my own charm."  
  
"Brilliant. These will come in handy, I'm sure. Thanks," I said, my broad smile refusing to disappear.  
  
"And I... here." He shoved something else at me while looking as though he had just handed over poison; I blinked rapidly in surprise.  
  
"_Chocolate_. Oh, dear... Severus... you've just outdone yourself!" Dropping everything, I pounced on him, causing him to fall backward on his bed, where he lay dazed as I kissed him rather sloppily.  
  
"Remus... get ahold of yourself, it's only chocolate... augh... gerroff, you prat! Not my ear!"  
  
But I didn't listen, and his protests died away soon enough. We ended up laughing together, and somehow I wished it would never end.  
  
------  
  
The rest of our holiday sped by, and it was truly a wonderful time. We walked together through the snow that drifted over the grounds, played countless games of Wizard's Chess, and Severus even let me read to him while he was _awake_, which, although he wouldn't exactly admit to it, I know he enjoyed very much. I watched him as he relaxed and began to talk to me more, comfortable with just the two of us, and we did talk for hours into the night on just about every subject we could think of.  
  
I knew even then that in the future I would always look back and treasure this time as being among the best I spent with him. Because when our relationship ran into difficulties, as it doubtless would, these memories would be no small comfort.  
  
-------  
  
Aww. Sorry I made them too cute again. :P It's gonna be two or three weeks until the next chapter is ready (I have a research paper to do), so I'll apologize in advance. BUT, I'm thinking of keeping their "journals" over on LiveJournal to tide me over; if anyone would like to read them when I start (which could be soon), just send me an email (which you can hopefully find from my user page, and if not you can find it from my DA account on the website link) and I'll set you up with the address. No charge. :P 


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes:** Oh dear. It's been over a month since I updated this, hasn't it? Well, I guess I've had a lot of other things I've been working on. Thank you for your patience in waiting for this, and thank you to those who have reviewed thus far. I hope you continue to enjoy this story. ALSO, this particular chapter is where the 'R' rating first comes into play. You have been warned. Although.. some of you have been waiting for this, I'm sure. :P 

------

**Fallen Leaves - Chapter 6**

--

Time slipped away quickly, as time usually does when you don't pay attention to it. When our fourth year term ended, being separated from all my friends was difficult, as usual. It was never that I hated my home. It was just that I missed the sense of comradery I received while being with my peers, especially during those full moons that almost seemed too awful to bear alone. James, Sirius, and Peter were always there for me at school, and the time away from them was the time that I fully appreciated just how much they really meant to me.

And then there was Severus, who I had a much easier time communicating with than the others, through the journals he had given me for Christmas. At first we corresponded in this way quite often, although he would never give me any specific details as to what he was doing with his time other than to say he was reading a lot. Which I had no trouble imagining. Yet I always wished he would tell me more, and often I begged him to; when he stopped writing for longer intervals at a time as the summer progressed I explained the reason to myself as being that I had simply pushed him too hard. At least that was all I hoped it to be as the last few weeks stretched out without hearing from him at all.

"Hello there, Prefect Moony. Expect you've had a good summer?"

I looked up in time to see my three friends enter the train car I had chosen to take a seat in while waiting for anyone else to arrive. I found that I was the first there,probably because I had been slightly nervous about my new duties as a prefect from the moment I had received word that I had been made one. My relief at seeing them again was so great that I could only grin broadly as they all entered and sat down around me.

"Well, it's no surprise, really, Sirius. He's the responsible one, after all. Perhaps he'll keep us in line," James chuckled digging an elbow into my ribs playfully.

"Unlikely. Keeping you lot under control would take a lot more than a title and a shiny badge," I stated cynically, shaking my head.

"True," Sirius sighed as he lounged farther back in his seat. "But since we'll always have the threat of detention hanging over our heads..."

"Not like we haven't _always_, considering..."

"Can I wear your badge for awhile?"

While I was busy laughing at their three different comments, a figure appeared at the still open car door. It was Severus.

My immediate thought was that he had managed to grow several inches taller in the relatively short amount of time since I had seen him last, while his frame had not filled out at all. His hair, looped carelessly behind his ears, now hung all the way down to his shoulders, and he looked extremely tired. It took him all of two seconds to sweep a contemptuous sneer around the car (including me in that look, of course) before he moved on down the train. I looked nervously at the others to see them all gaping, but they recovered quickly.

"Looks like a ten-foot vampire who hasn't fed on fresh blood in weeks."

"I swear his nose is_twice_ as big as before..."

"Ought to follow after him and hex him. Or get Remus to give him detention. He shouldn't be allowed to look at people that way."

I bent down, pretending to re-tie my shoelaces in order to hide my smile, caused partly from amusement and partly from the way my stomach had seemed to suddenly want to tie itself in excited knots. I really had missed him as well, and I longed for any opportunity just to talk to him.

------

Things went smoothly when we finally arrived at Hogwarts. I had extra duties as a prefect, of course, but I didn't mind terribly. After the sorting and the feast I had to show the new Gryffindor first years around a bit, ending up at the common room, where I stopped to chat with my friends shortly before heading back out to make sure the halls were clear before curfew.

Humming to myself, I walked quickly, my thoughts currently full of my warm bed, being quite worn out after the long day. A shadow moving slowly toward me caused me to raise my lit wand a little higher in order to see what was there. The shadow shifted and turned into Severus, standing there and watching me with another one of his unreadable expressions.

"You almost scared me there," I said when I managed to find my voice again. "Severus. How are you doing?" I walked toward him, but he started to move around and continue in the direction he had been heading before.

"The usual," he replied shortly. A little confused, I shrugged and hurried to fall into step beside him. His long legs took such large strides that I was hard pressed to keep up.

"The usual? What does that mean?" Trying to be casual about it, I slipped my arm around his waist. Without warning, he jerked away, completely startling me. He glared at me while I did my best to regain my balance.

"Don't." His word, hissed so sharply with obvious pain, confused me even further.

"What...? Severus, what's wrong?" One thin, spidery hand was clutched to his side where I had tried to place my arm, and I stepped closer in concern. "Are you hurt? I--"

"No! Just... go away. Get back to your bloody hallway inspection," he sneered at me.

I sighed. "Being awfully rude to a prefect, you know." I was only half-teasing, but I could hear his teeth grit together in annoyance as he tried to push past me again. "Stop, Severus." He couldn't hide the way he winced when I grabbed his arm, and I held tight despite feeling bad about doing so. "I want to talk to you."

I pulled him along to the first classroom we came to, and he allowed it, although he still muttered curses at me under his breath. Pushing him down into a chair behind a desk, I stood and leaned against the chair in front of it. "Now, what's going on?"

"This is ridiculous. I don't need you lording your new position over me like--"

"I'm not! I'm asking you as a friend. And as someone who cares about you. And you shouldknow that." He calmed slightly, but would only shrug in response. Sighing again, I went around beside him and began loosening the buttons on his shirt, which of course only set him off again.

"What... stop it! Lupin, you... you..."

"Shh." I looked at him with all the sternness I could possibly muster, and he deflated again in defeat.

"Fine. Prat. Don't know why I let you get away with these sorts of things," he mumbled, while I slipped my hands against his cool skin. He shivered, and I peeled his shirt aside, baring his chest and shoulders completely. My sharp intake of breath seemed to go unheeded as he only stared straight ahead stonily.

"Severus... what... how... whodid this to you?"

The sharp angles of his upper body jutted out in a way that left me feeling slightly uncomfortable, bu tthat was nothing compared to how I felt when I saw the network of bruises that covered his pale flesh. Fading yellow marks interspersed with livid blue and purple ones, creating a sight I would not have wished to see on my worst enemy. "_Who_?" I demanded again, inspecting the large fingerprints along his arms with horror.

"My father," he finally replied, his flat tone and expression not changing in the slightest. "Are you happy now?"

"No!" I exclaimed vehemently, tears building in my eyes despite my efforts to stop them. It was just too much to ask for. "_Why_?"

"Ah." A faint, ghostly smile flitted across his face, making his eyes look even more empty than before. "It makes me useful."

"_Useful_? My gods, Severus.. you're _brilliant_. How can you be _not useful_?"

"Maybe I am. But that doesn't make me useful now. I'm not old enough yet."

"Old enough for _what_? Severus!" His gaze was wandering around the room, almost as though he had forgotten I was there.

"Does it to my mum too. It's not like _she _isn't useful though. Expect I'll kill him someday."

The matter of fact way he stated these things sent a chill straight through me. "No... Severus, no." I grabbed his hand, finding it like ice again despite the warmth of the room. "Let's go to Madam Pomfrey, she can help you--"

"No. I can't explain it to her or anyone."

"Maybe Dumbledore..."

"No. He will kill me if I tell anyone. I'll be dead before anyone knows it." He finally looked at me, his clear expression leaving me in no doubt that he was completely in his right mind. Somehow, knowing as much made everything he had just told me seem even worse.

He pulled his shirt back on slowly as he stood up, his eyes fastened on me, watching a tear that was sliding down my cheek. "I'm sorry... I can't..."

"Don't," he said again, reaching a slim finger out to wipe it away. "No one cries for me. I don't want anyone to start either." I stared at him helplessly, unable to understand how he managed to bear it, wanting to ask, but...

"How do you... feel..." was all I could get out, the words choking up in my throat.

"After awhile... I just stopped feeling." Before I could react, he leaned forward and kissed me, his lips soft against mine. I wanted to touch him. I was afraid of hurting him. But he had already moved back again and was doing up the buttons on his shirt as I looked on in a sort of stupor.

"Well, you know a few secrets of mine now. Perhaps you'll finally see fit to--"

"Remus!"

The scene seemed to freeze before my eyes: me standing with tear tracks on my face in front of Severus with his shirt half unbuttoned... and Sirius standing in the doorway.

"What the bloody hell... is going_on_ here?"

Everything rushed back together again for me quickly. "Snape, he... hurt himself. It was an accident. I was just making sure he was alright. I'm a prefect," I added stupidly, as though that would justify it all immediately.

"Right." Sirius spoke slowly, his suspicious gaze traveling between the two of us. "And I suppose he tripped because he can't see too well past that enormous nose of his."

"Now, Sirius, don't--"

"I don't need your bloody 'help' anymore, Lupin," Severus suddenly snarled, giving me a vicious shove that caught me off guard and caused me to topple backward over the chair.

"You little _prick_," Sirius yelled, thankfully rushing toward me first. "Remus, are you alright? Ah shit, he's gone... I'll go after him and--"

"No! No. It's alright," I told him as he helped me up. "It's not worth it... just forget it."

"If you say so..." He looked unconvinced, a very odd sort of look remaining on his face. "But Remus."

"Yes?"

"I want you to stay away from him. I'm serious. He's trouble. You understand that, right?"

"I... yeah, I do," I replied quietly, unable to meet that look any longer. "I have to go."

I left the room, not waiting for Sirius to join me, not thinking of anything but Severus and what he had just told me. Not knowing that someday I would wish that I had been more concerned about what Sirius knew or even suspected.

------

Almost a month passed while I got adjusted to another set of classes, my new prefect duties, and what I now knew about Severus' life at home. Some of these came much easier than others.

I didn't actually see Severus much during that time; my visits to the library at night were fairly restricted with everything else I had to do now. Occasionally we would exchange a few words with each other through our journals, but even my opportunities to do that had dwindled. Unfortunately, it also seemed that my other friends, and Sirius in particular, were redoubling their efforts to torment Severus, who of course didn't help matters by fighting back and being horribly nasty in his own right, from what they told me afterward. I could do nothing but shake my head and tell them to try not to get into so much trouble.

Wasn't that all I could do?

It was close to ten o'clock one night when I ran into Severus again on the seventh floor, almost the same as before. "Looking for me?" I grinned up at him. "Gods, you are so much taller. I haven't told you that yet."

"Oh yes, I was looking for a bloody prefect._Exactly_ what I wanted. And_everyone_ says that, so kindly refrain from doing it again."

"Heh. Haven't lost any of your charm over the summer, have you?" He only glared in reply. Chuckling, I led him to the side of the hallway and pulled his head down to kiss him. "Mmm? You're a bit unresponsive."

He shifted from one foot to another, now avoiding looking at me totally. "Didn't think you'd want to do that again since... you know."

"Don't be absurd. I like kissing you. Certainly you know nothing is going to change that." After another silent moment he grabbed me tightly and kissed me again, this time differently than he ever had before. It was fierce, and... well, amazing. And it continued for so long that a small area in the back of my brain began to worry that maybe this was leading to something that would take past curfew to complete.

"Mmf.. mm.. Sev.. are you..."

Footsteps sounded from somewhere down the hall, along with a familiar voice calling my name. Which actually didn't surprise me at all at this point. Severus pulled away quickly, whipping his head around to peer down the hall.

"_Not again_," he hissed. Grabbing my hand, he half-led, half-dragged me away from the voice, although I wasn't entirely sure he knew where he was going. I tried hard to keep up, but every now and then he gave my arm a painful jerk because I couldn't quite manage it.

"Severus! Where are we going?" I whispered frantically, watching him as he scanned all around as though searching for something.

"There," he replied, staring ahead at a door I had never seen before.

"That... where did that come from? There was never a door there."

"Just shut up and _get in_." Severus opened the door and shoved me through, entering after and shutting it carefully. "There's a lock. This is good," he muttered, turning it before joining me in inspecting the room itself. It was rather plain and nondescript, dimly lit by a number of candles on several small tables, and otherwise only containing a bookshelf full of dusty-looking books and a...

"A bed? What... what kind of room IS this?" I said, feeling my face flush slightly.

I don't know, exactly. Sometimes when I really need a place to... get away from everyone... it just appears. And it usually contains something I've been thinking I want to do," Severus was saying as he walked over to the bookshelf and leaned down to inspect it.

"Oh, so what_you_ were thinking about was reading," I snorted, folding my arms.

"Not _totally_," he snapped back. "Although... there's this really great book of hexes here that I never have managed to get my hands on before..."

"Severus!"

"Fine," he growled, turning and stalking toward me. "You had better be prepared to deal with the consequences, in that case." I blinked. He was coming at me very fast. I didn't have time to move or even think before he was looming over me again, reaching his hands down around my back and crushing me to him as he kissed me deeply. My senses returned and I responded to him at last, enjoying the feel of his tongue against mine as my hands roamed down his back and lower. His mouth moved away and he bent down far enough to bite my neck.

"Your... teeth... don't do that so hard!" But he didn't relent, and it didn't feel_that_ bad... and my body my reacting almost of it's own accord... my hips struggling to push against him...

"Do you want to fuck me?"

"_What_?" I'm afraid I almost fell over backward when Severus whispered this in my ear. He pulled back and looked me straight in the eyes, leaving me no way to escape.

"Do. You. Want. To. Fuck. Me."

"I... I know what you said! Just... could you be less _blunt_?"

He shrugged. "It's easier to come straight out and say it. So. Do you?"

"I... are you sure you wantme to... to... do it?"

"You're the prefect. Be in charge," he smirked at me. Normally I would have made some comment about how he really did have a sense of humor after all, but I had never before been alone in a room with him when he was at the moment _unzipping his bloody trousers_. I licked my suddenly dry lips as I struggled to come up with a response.

"What... makes you think I even want to..."

Severus stopped and looked up from what he was doing, rolling his eyes in disgust. "Either you want to, or you keep your wand in a very uncomfortable area of your body, at a rather impossible angle, and it's a lot bigger than I thought it was."

"_Severus_!" I might have laughed. At some other time. If he hadn't been standing in front of me, half naked. And reaching out to start on _my _trousers.

All the innuendo and playful situations I had instigated over the past year to him, and_now_ I was completely flustered. It made perfect sense. Of course.

"So if you want to stop, just say so before it's too late."

"I... no. I want to," I said, feeling as though my heart would burst out of my chest at this admission. I assisted him in the removal of my trousers and pants, feeling my face burn as I knew he was staring at what had been revealed. "Er... I... my shirt?"

"Never mind that," Severus scoffed, turning and laying down on the bed. He stretched out, watching me evenly; my own eyes strangely seemed to want to land anywhere on his body except on what I_really_ wanted to look at.

"Stop standing there gawping at me like an utter git. Come over here and do it." These words shocked me out of whatever daze I was in, and I hurried over, lowering myself down gingerly on top of him. Our mouths met again, and most of my reservations fled at the wonderful sensations produced when my almost painfully hard flesh slid over the smooth skin of his upper thigh. He in turn was pressed against me, and it felt so good that I was satisfied merely to kiss him and rock slowly against the slight hollow of his hip for what felt like a long time. But it was probably less than a minute before he pushed me away.

"Stop. I want you to do it now."

"Er... shouldn't we do more... first? I thought..."

"No. Best to just do it straight out now."

"Severus... you really have no sense of romance, do you?"

"Oh, get off it. I'd rather you just did it now. I don't need... I just need... you." He actually looked a bit embarrassed at last, and I smiled before giving him another small kiss.

"Alright." I moved backward and knelt awkwardly between his long, outspread legs, my heart hammering in my chest once more. "Now, what--"

Severus quickly grabbed his wand from the bed beside him, pointing it between both of our legs in turn and muttering some spell I didn't quite catch. "That's what," he said, leaning back again.

"Ah. And where did you learn_that_ particular trick?" I asked him, a bit suspicious.

"Dolt. As though I wouldn't want to prepare myself beforehand for when this finally happened. I've wanted it to." I supposed I should have been shocked by this, but thinking about it, it was no more shocking than anything else he had already said this evening.

"Well... alright. Now... er... you're a bit low," I said apologetically, fetching my own wand. "This should help." A small levitating charm, centered on his hips, raised them enough to make what I had to do possible. Although I could hardly believe now that I_was_ doing it... I noted how Severus' hands were entwined tightly in the bedsheets, and found reassurance in the fact that I wasn't the only one who was nervous.

Moving forward, I lightly held on to his upper legs and started to lean in. "It... it's going to hurt, you know..." I said slowly, hesitating as I found my voice shaking slightly. The last thing I wanted to do was hurt him.

"Of course," he said, the tremor in his own voice minimal. "The difference is, I want you to." Our gazes locked together for a time, and I nodded in understanding.

At first my motions were slow and erratic, awkward and shallow. But as I became more confidently eager, I moved faster, deeper, as I tried to memorize the picture of Severus laying there beneath me, his ragged hair spread out on the pillow, biting his lip to keep from crying out, his hand moving in the same rhythm as my body...

At last I cried out in completion, and not long after he allowed himself to as well. I lowered his body entirely back down on the bed and we both simply stayed as we were for awhile, gasping from exertion. "It's such a... a..._mess_," I said sheepishly, taking the opportunity to cast a quick cleaning charm.

"Wonderfully observant, aren't you. I don't suppose you expected it_not_ to be," he replied sarcastically.

"No, no, just... ah, Sev." I collapsed on top of him and he grunted my chest struck his.

"Regrets?"

"No! I'm just... couldn't you be..."

"Oh, fine. It was fine. You did well. My arse is going to be sore for awhile, but--"

"Severus!"

"--it was enjoyable enough."

I stared at him incredulously, then just burst out laughing. "Severus, you're... just too much, you know that?"

He gave me a rare, genuine smile. "Apparently. And now... how much trouble do you expect we're going to be in as it is well past curfew and we're nowhere to be found? And you a prefect. Shouldn't you have known better?"

He was still smiling. Almost unable to believe it, I gave him my best imitation of his own typically angry face. "You're lucking I'm willing to overlook_your_ breaking the rules," I chided while we both got up and began replacing our scattered clothes. "Otherwise I'd have to punish you."

"Oh?" he said lazily, stopping to bend over me again. "I suppose I wouldn't mind being punished by a prefect like you." His breath was warm in my ear, then his tongue started tracing slow circles along my neck. "As long as it was a... private affair."

"Sev... er... us... we're... leaving, right?"

"As you wish," he shrugged. "I'll leave first. Of course we shouldn't be seen together." He turned to go, but hesitated at the door. "Remus."

"Yes?"

"Thank you." Without pause to look at me, he left. My knees were shaking, I discovered. But I wasn't worried yet about the excuses I would soon have to come up with.

Mostly I was concerned about when we would get the chance to do it again.

------

You have to remember they're teenaged boys, eh? That was the entire basis for my last line. Ahem.. :P Hope everyone liked this chapter. I'm pretty sure it won't take a month for the next.


	7. Chapter 7

Notes: Well, it didn't take a month for the next part, like I said. It took MORE than a month. :P That being said... I'm really sorry, all of you who wanted more happiness.. because this could be the last chapter, depending on several factors. This chapter also switches to Severus' POV, if it isn't obvious when you start reading. 

------

Fallen Leaves - Chapter Seven

--

OWLs became my sole focus early on in fifth year, which was only natural, considering their importance. I say that they became my "sole" focus, but I only wish that were true. Because there was still Remus.

Remus with his soft brown hair, his careful hands, his captivating mouth. Those oddly yellow eyes that seemed to hold as much warmth as his arms did whenever he would put them around me, when we were safe together, out of sight of anyone else. Come to think of it, he was always so warm no matter how cold I was, so inviting no matter how irritable I was, so... distracting no matter how focused I_thought_ I was.

Damn him.

Even so, I came to rely on Remus somewhat, at least in a small way. He was one constant in a life that was too often unpredictable.

I should have been angrier, I think, that time after my Defense Against the Dark Arts OWL, when the enfuriating... incident occurred. Talking about it afterward does no good, and I have no desire to do so. But I_was_ angry: angry at Potter and Black for their cocky arrogance, angry at that sniveling worm Pettigrew for even being present, angry at the crowd of onlookers only there to jeer at me, angry at Remus for just sitting there with his face buried in his book as if he was not aware of what was taking place. He was a bloody prefect, couldn't he stop them? Wasn't it his duty?

Even if he had stepped in, I don't believe I would have really wanted his help. And he was their friend. I was essentially his forbidden lover. I imagine that I forgave Remus for doing nothing only because I had an irrational fear of losing him. Being irrational goes against my very nature, but somehow, I could not banish that fear. It pulled at me at night, where in the darkness I could not read my books or study my notes or do any number of other things I typically used to keep my mind busy with other things, to keep those thoughts away. The fear of losing Remus almost outweighed my fear of returning home in its intensity.

So when he found me later that day, near dusk, leaning up against our tree by the lake and staring out at the water, I only turned away from him at first.

"Severus, please. I'm sorry. I didn't want that to happen, you know I didn't. But I couldn't do... anything. I'm afraid you think I'm a coward... well, I know I am. I'm just really sorry... Severus?"

When I didn't respond, he did one of the things I hate most: he took both of my hands in his, then pulled them up to either side of his face, cupping them there so that it seemed I_had_ to look into those eyes, our faces so close that I almost_had_ to kiss him out of reflex. And I did kiss him then, a slow, lingering kiss that left me unbearably aroused, only intensified by the close proximity of our bodies. I wanted him, and he knew it; somehow we ended up on the ground together, his smaller body trapped under mine, his hands tangling through my hair as we continued to kiss. The dark shadows of a moonless night cloaked us while we loosened clothing just enough, and he surrendered to my urgent thrusts, crying out in mixed pleasure and pain beneath me.

Remus was mine. It was almost as though I had to assert that ownership now, by claiming his body. Remus was mine, and nothing those bastards could do was going to take him from me.

When I pulled away, I leaned back over to whisper in his ear.

"Apology accepted."

His answering smile was enough to melt the rest of the days shame away.

------

"You want to study for NEWTs? My god, Sev... it's only two weeks into our _sixth year_. You have more than a year left!" Remus' incredulous tone made me shake my head. He could not possibly understand how important it was for me to do well. "Besides," he grinned, "you could take your NEWTs_now_ and get top marks. You study too much."

"Some of us don't believe that lounging around all day is an acceptable pastime. Intelligent people such as myself know that the pursuit of knowledge is far superior." I smirked down at him. "And I can't help it you hang round with pathetic little wankers who--"

"Severus!"

"Ow," I muttered, rubbing the back of my head. "What the hell'd you do that for?"

He gave me an admonishing look, as if that would do any good. "You're being rude again." Then he smiled. I noticed that his pupils seemed to be dilating very slowly. We were standing outside behind a large courtyard column, and the sun had nearly set, a half-disk of glowing light at the horizon. It had only been by chance that I had found him alone out here, and at first he really had not seemed happy to see me.

I was about to question him about his eyes when he grabbed my head and pulled it down to kiss me hungrily; of course what I had been thinking of fled my mind immediately. "Listen," he said as he released me, slightly breathless. "I have to go now."

"Where--"

"I just have to go. Next week let's meet out here every night, what do you say?" he asked with a devious grin.

"I... suppose... why next week?" I was baffled momentarily, but soon grew suspicious. "Where are you going?"

"I just have something to take care of. Go on and study, like you wanted." He waved at me before he disappeared from sight around the side of the castle, and confusion began to war with trust in my mind for a long time before I could turn away to go back inside.

_He's always doing this. Leaving with no explanation. I think this is another time I won't see him for awhile._

There would be no use studying now, I realized. My thoughts were quickly becoming tied up with the mystery of Remus' regular disappearance. Wandering slowly down a first floor corridor, I went over everything I knew again.

_It happens once a month, usually. When he comes back he seems weaker, and paler. Like he's been ill. But what kind of illness happens once a month like that? I certainly know Remus isn't a girl._

I snorted when that thought ran through my mind. Definitely not a girl. But there was always the matter of why he simply wouldn't tell me what it was. There had to be something I was missing...

Absently, I glanced out the window I was passing. And saw Remus.

He was walking across the grounds, accompanied by... I squinted hard to see through the dim light. Was that _Pomfrey_? They were heading in the direction of the Whomping Willow, that dangerous tree that had been planted when we were in first year. I turned on my heel immediately, determined to find out where they were going, now that I had seen them. A shadow fell across my path, and I jerked my head up to see Sirius Black standing there in front of me.

Instantly, through a much used reflex, my wand was in my hand and leveled at his face, but he caught me offguard by simply yanking it away from me so fast that he must have planned it. I stumbled forward in shock, and he easily caught me with a broad hand across my chest. All I could do was lean there momentarily, still too shocked to do anything else as he tilted his face down close to mine.

"Well, well. Going somewhere, are we, Snivellus?"

He was much too near. My stomach turned over, as if I was going to be sick. In one smooth movement, he pushed me backward and I retreated a few steps, to a safer distance.

"Shut up, you stupid bastard. And give me my damned wand back." Black's arrogant expression darkened momentarily, as though he would like nothing better than to snap back at me, but he composed himself quickly.

"You shouldn't talk that way to someone who can show you something you'll be interested in. Plus there's the fact that Ido have your wand." He twirled it between his fingers lazily, flashing that smug look at me that always made my blood boil in hatred.

"I don't know what_you_ could possibly know that would interest me," I said coolly, folding my arms and trying to look nonchalant. But I could feel myself shaking. Because if it was about Remus...

"You want to know about Remus, I think. And I know something about the two of you that has me very curious."

It felt like the blood was draining from my face. I swallowed hard, trying to keep my eyes from darting back to the window although I knew Remus was long out of sight. Focusing on Black, I finally noticed that he was holding a folded piece of parchment in the hand that didn't hold my wand; when he saw the direction of my gaze, he hastily stuffed it into his pocket. "What's--"

"Never mind," he said, moving a step closer. I took a step back.

"Why would you tell me _anything_?"

"Because I feel sorry for you sometimes, being a greasy little loser and all," he smirked, although I highly doubted he had ever really done such a thing.

"Look, you dumb shit, if you don't have something to say just give me--"

"Watch it." He finally gave in to anger at my words, although my triumph was short-lived. "I know something about Remus that I thinkyou want to know. Am I right?"

I glared at him in frustration. I was the one with the secret, Black shouldn't know anything about Remus that I didn't, it wasn't fair, I wanted control of the situation. "Tell me," I growled at last, fists clenched tightly at my sides.

"Well," Black began. He was taking his time, seeming to enjoy it. I loathed him more than ever. "If you were to head over to the Willow... you might notice there's a big knot on the trunk. If you were to, say, take a long stick and poke that knot with it, then..."

"Then what?"

"The rest is for you to discover." Without warning, he tossed my wand straight at me; while I was busy grabbing for it, he had already turned and was walking away without another word. I stared after him, slightly comforted by the wand's familiar weight in my hands, but too distracted to think of hexing him.

It was a trap. Some sort of trick. But Remus...

My mind made up, I hurried back in the direction I had just come.

------

Fortunately the moon was full, and I could easily see where I was going as I made my way across the grounds toward the Whomping Willow. The night seemed full of strange dark shapes, all twisting menacingly toward me. Despite my resolve, I felt a heavy sense of dread that I could not explain.

Finding a long stick was easy. The hard part was getting near the Willow safely. Actually, I realized that "safely" was going to be an impossibility once I stood before the tree at last, watching the branches writhing and snapping as if they sensed I would soon come within their range. If this was all a joke, and the tree was about to beat me within an inch of my life for no reason, I was going to kill Black. If I didn't kill him anyway, on principle.

Jaw clenched, I darted forward, determined to get close enough to press the knot as quickly as possible, and not take too much damage. The first branch glanced off the side of my ribcage, luckily not hard enough to leave anything more than a bruise. The second branch cut across my face, slashing the corner of my mouth, and I tasted blood. By that time I was near enough, and I thrust the branch straight out and felt it connect with the tree trunk.

I was filled with an immense satisfaction when the Willow stopped moving completely. I had done it, and I wasn't in bad shape. There was a gap in the roots of the tree, and I somehow knew that was where I had to go next. To find Remus. Everything had taken on something of a surreal quality, as I could not imagine what would necessitate all of this just for him to hide his secret...

The tunnel beyond the gap was dark and seemed very long, as well as being terribly cramped for someone of my height. Tired of groping along the walls, I muttered a quick "Lumos" to illuminate the way with my wand outstretched before me. After what felt like forever a light finally appeared ahead. A dim light, which--

An eerie howl suddenly cut through the silence, and I froze, terrified by how close it sounded. What kind of creature made such a horrible noise?

"Snape!"

Someone was shouting my name not far back along the tunnel. I turned back briefly to see a light bobbing toward me, then faced forward again, more curious about what was ahead than behind.

It hadn't been there before. But now it was.

I couldn't see it completely with the amount of available light, but what I could see froze me in place once more. It had a basic human form, but the size of the limbs was all wrong, too long and covered in what appeared to be fur. The head was misshapen, with a long snout and fangs instead of a regular nose and teeth. Pointed ears and long, curving, paw-like hands ending in claws were all I had the time left to notice before the creature turned and seemed to stare straight at me.

The eyes were more easily seen than anything else, because they gleamed in the faint light. And they were oddly yellow, the pupils dilated enormously.

_No. It wasn't true._

Whether or not it had really seen me I didn't know. Someone was there behind me, and they moved around to forcibly push me back down the tunnel toward the entrance, which I allowed, feeling too numb to do anything else. I came to realize it was Potter who was helping me along, Potter asking me if I had been hurt, Potter who had probably just saved my life. But I said nothing.

Outside again, I started to sprint away from the tree without heeding Potter's shouts behind me, the hot shame I thought I had banished long ago flooding through me again. Running away, as though that would change anything I had just discovered.

_My Remus was a werewolf._

_No. That wasn't my Remus._

I tripped over a dark shape and tumbled headlong down a hill, and the world turned mercifully black.

------

_I should have realized. The moon was always full when Lupin disappeared. And he never reappeared until it began to wane again. I should have realized. How could I have missed it?_

"He's a _monster_! How could you allow a dark creature like that to attend this school? Don't you realize the danger you've put us all in? No, I will not calm down! I want to know why--"

_Yes, distance yourself from him. He is a monster. A monster who would plan for years to betray you in one of the most elaborate "pranks" ever devised by him and his scheming friends._

"--could have killed me, they_planned_ to commit murder, it's perfectly clear! They should be expelled immediately, and--"

_The past didn't matter. What mattered was that Lupin had been playing a part all along, and he had played it well. Whether it had started out as a joke or not didn't matter either. Potter had realized the risk he was taking and had backed out to save me at the last minute. He was only scared of being caught, scared of the consequences he would face should their plot be discovered. I didn't need to speak to Lupin to know it was all true. Because in my mind, it was._

"...I understand I can't tell anyone. But I don't understand why you just won't listen to me when I say you're making a terrible mistake..."

_I really can't trust anyone, can I?_

------

The air held a definite chill a week later as I sat outside, leaning against a courtyard column at dusk. Footsteps approached, but they weren't enough to distract me from my contemplation of a waning moon hanging low over the horizon. Someone sat close beside me; it wasn't necessary to look to know who it was.

"Severus..."

I didn't hear anything more. I chose not to. It wasn't important anyway, because I knew the truth.

Soon I stood up and walked away, no thought of looking back. Only dimly aware that the crumbled remains of a blood-red leaf were dropping out of my hand and fluttering behind me on the breeze.

------

That could be the end, yes. What do you all think?


End file.
